The King of the Hill Quotes Page: "Vision Quest"
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Quotes from "Vision Quest"
Written by Etan Cohen
Directed by Dominic Polcino
JOHN REDCORN: All cultures have a similar rite of passage. Your people have a Bar Mitzvah.
HANK: We're not Jewish.
JOHN REDCORN: Really?
BOOMHAUER: Yeah, man, talkin' 'bout them ragin' hormones, man... get all rebel-y and you're still a kid, man... talkin' 'bout "Who am I?"
BILL: You know who'd be a good influence on them? My son Trey.
HANK: Last week it was Travis.
BILL: So?
DALE: This is his chance to be cool, Hank, and you only get one chance. I know.
(Flashback: Dale is running in the halls at Arlen High School.)
PRINCIPAL: Whoa, Gribble, where's the fire?
DALE'S BRAIN: Say "In your wife's pants!" Say it!
KID: In your wife's pants!
(All the cool kids laugh.)
YOUNG DALE (too late): In your wife's pants!
HANK: I'm not sure how well that's going to work with the whole keeping Dale from knowing about your part in Joseph's... creation.
JOHN REDCORN: Hank, this is an important ritual among my people. Don't half-ass it.
JOHN REDCORN: Hey, what a coinkydink! All of us camping here. Funny.
DALE: Ha!... oh, you mean funny-weird. That is odd.
DALE (having a vision): I see the buffalo! I see the Indian! I am the Indian!
JOSEPH: You want to know what the land's telling me? Wreck stuff!
DALE: Try running this vision through the old noggin. There was an Indian. I couldn't see his face, but he was a big guy, about yea tall (indicates John Redcorn's height) and yea wide (indicates John Redcorn's breadth) and wearing a magnificent buffalo headdress. And he was making love to my wife.
JOHN REDCORN: Dale, I'm not sure I --
DALE: Hold on, there's more. I suddenly found myself in a hospital, watching Nancy give birth to Joseph. Except Joseph was wearing the exact same headdress as the faceless Indian. So, working backwards: I fathered an Indian child, therefore, I am an Indian.
JOHN REDCORN: Okay, that's one interpretation.
DALE: So, do you have a regular place where you buy your feathers and bonnets and so forth?
JOHN REDCORN (sighs): It's a site on the Internet.
DALE: I always wondered why I hated the federal government and loved tobacco with such passion. But now it all makes sense.
HANK: Okay, time out, Sitting Jackass. Have you looked in the mirror lately? You are the got-dang whitest person I've ever seen in my life!
DALE: I am the Albino Buffalo. Deal with it.
DOOLEY: I can see your dad's junk.
JOSEPH: Isn't killing pandas a crime?
DALE: Absolutely, for a white man. But we're Indians. We can kill just about anything as long as we use all the parts.
JOHN REDCORN (to Nancy): I have relied on others to raise my son for too long! No offense.
DALE: The gate is open! Thank you, gate spirit!
JOHN REDCORN: Five hundred years of oppression, and somehow I find this the most irritating.
DALE: I'm not gonna lie to you, Joseph. It sure would have been sweet, having a cool son. (puts a cigarette in Joseph's mouth) Hey, cool kids! Look at Joseph smoke!