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ZACK: No hard feelings, but it's over, Linda.
LUANNE: Linda? That's not how my name is pronounced.

LUANNE: If Zack had told me he was going to act like such a butt, I would've never slept with him.
HANK: You what? Oh, no! That means you're not --
LUANNE: Uncle Hank, I quit being a virgin the first time I had sex.
HANK: Nobody likes a quitter, Luanne.
LUANNE: Zack liked me. And so did Buckley, and Rad, and Rad's ex-best friend -- I think they liked me...
HANK: You know, Luanne, there's somebody who'll love you more if you don't put out. Why don't we swing by His bachelor pad?

REVEREND STROUP: Mr. and Mrs. Hill, are you willing to be Luanne's virginity sponsors?
HANK: Sponsors? You mean like what the drunks have?
REVEREND STROUP: Mr. Hill, a celibacy sponsor is like an offensive linesman for the virgin quarterback. The other team is going to be coming on strong. So Luanne needs you to get in there and block, or she might very well get sacked.
HANK: Well, that's not in the Bible, but it should be.

REVEREND STROUP: Who's ready to engage in a frank and open discussion of fornication?
HANK: May I remind you that there is a picture of Jesus behind that ping-pong table?
REVEREND STROUP: Oh, yes, thanks, Hank: There will be ping-pong and pasta salad after we finish.

ASSISTANT PASTOR LARRY: We're going to kick things off by testifying to the number of sexual partners each of us has had: Four. So close to five... Hank?
HANK: What? Oh, uh, no thank you. I'm just a sponsor.
ASSISTANT PASTOR LARRY: Yes, and as a role model for our emergin' virgins, your testimony could make the difference between going all the way, and going all the way to heaven.

PEGGY: He said, "Peggy, I think I might be gay." And this was back when being gay in Texas was not as much fun as it is now. We decided the only way to know for sure was to test him with Peggy Platter. So we went back to his place, gently pushed aside his decorative throw pillows, and ... ho yeah.
LUANNE: Did you fix him?
PEGGY: Oh, no, Luanne, he was not broken. Just gay. Very, very gay.

LUANNE: Woo-hoo! I'm a virgin!

HANK: All right, everyone here who hasn't had pre-marital sex gets ice cream!

NANCY (after much deliberation): Well, I wouldn't tell him.

LUANNE: No sex equals great sex! No sex equals great sex!

CONNIE: I am not having sex until at least my sophomore year at Harvard.
BOBBY: You heard her. Not until our sophomore year at Harvard.
LUANNE: Your virginity is in danger now! You need to sign this abstinence pledge card before you discover how wonderful sex feels!
DOOLEY: Keep talking.
LUANNE: Okay: In addition to heaven, there are other benefits to this pledge. You also get a 10% discount on CDs, books, bowling and video games, and a free MP3 player if you sign up ten other virgins.

HANK: Boy, we're lucky. When we were eighteen, we were already married. Otherwise, who knows what kind of trouble we'd have gotten into -- with each other, of course. Thank God for my free-weights and your strong moral fiber.
PEGGY (nervous): My virtue is not the issue here, Hank. This is about Luanne.
HANK: That's what scares me, she's got nowhere near your upbringing or self-control. I'll be damned if I'm going to raise her baby.

HANK: This is my niece Luanne. She loves bowling and self-control.

RHETT: You wanna bowl? It's totally not a sin.

BOBBY: Oh, sure, TV and movies may make pre-marital sex look good, but it's dangerous! It's caused broken hearts, broken homes, depression.

HANK: Tonight's the night of the Abstinence Dance. I promised Luanne I'd help her and Rhett chaperone -- you know, make sure the kids have a good time, but not a great one.

DOOLEY: I saw her panties.

LUANNE: I feel so safe with you, Rhett. With Rad, my last committed on-again off-again relationship, everything we did always seemed to lead to sex.
RHETT: God, Luanne. Sounds terrible.
LUANNE: Oh, it was! Did you know that the changing table at Whataburger is strong enough to hold up one person but not two?
RHETT: I thought people only had sex in bed. Or the shower. That could work, right? Or is there enough room to lie down?
LUANNE: Oh, real virgins are so cute.

LUANNE: Don't you want me to get married?
PEGGY: Of course I do, honey, but not to Rhett. When we meet the right guy for you, we'll know.
LUANNE: I may be a virgin, but I have been around the block a few times, and I know when someone's talking down at me!
PEGGY: I am just trying to protect you from your feelings, thoughts and instincts.

HANK: You stay here and think about what you did -- and what I didn't get to do.

LUANNE: The guy at the rental place said that most of the women who wore this dress are still married.

LUANNE: I'm gonna be Mrs. Rhett Vandergraaf.
HANK: The Vandergraafs!

RHETT: I'm sorry, Mr. Hill, I've waited 22 years, I couldn't wait another week.
LUANNE: You're 22?

PEGGY: Listen to me, Luanne, getting married just so you can have sex is a big mistake. If I had married the first person I slept with, I would have married Wayne Trotter. I never would have gone sock-skating with Hank on the linoleum of our first studio apartment. I would have missed the way he tosses and turns the night before Flag Day -- the pride I felt the first time he used one of my shirts as a rag. If I had done what you're thinking of doing, Luanne, I never would have met the love of my life.

LUANNE: Aunt Peggy was right. We were just getting married so we could fornicate without you or God gettin' mad at us. But you and Aunt Peggy are the ones who should be fornicatin'.

HANK: Peggy, I can see your whatnots.

LUANNE: I think someone's going to lose her virginity. Not me! No, no! Aunt Peggy!

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