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Quotes from "Unfortunate Son"
Written by Alex Gregory & Peter Huyck
Directed by Anthony Lioi

MR. STRICKLAND: You get me that money yourself! The mother of my bastard is all over me for more child support.
HANK: Well, I understand. I have a boy of my own.

COTTON: Oh, I'm sorry, I must have dropped that money somewhere in the Philippines -- fighting for your freedom, you damn draft-dodger!
VETERAN: You mean to tell me that this bloodsucking goniff never served his country?
COTTON: 4-F. Got out on account of his narrow urethra! The only uniform he ever wore was the Boy Scouts.
HANK: I made it to Eagle Scout. And Dad, you know the war was over. Besides, I tried to enlist, but the army felt I wouldn't be able to relieve myself efficiently under duress, especially in front of others.

PEGGY: Let's do our shopping before the Salvation Army invades! (laughs) Oh, I should get a medal for wit! And you know what I would call that medal? I would call it the -- the -- I don't know.

COTTON: Get your war memorabilia here! All items must go! Amuse your friends and thrill the ladies with an authentic Nazi skull, priced to move!

COTTON: This ain't just any canoe! This is Hitler's canoe! Five hundred.
EUSTACE: Look, I'm just buying it for a camping trip. It's going to cost me forty dollars just to paint over the swastika on the side.

EUSTACE (indicating his car): It's the maroon Mitsubishi.
COTTON: Mitsubishi? They made the planes that bombed Pearl Harbor! I ain't sellin' Hitler's canoe to no traitor!
EUSTACE: We had a verbal agreement.
COTTON: You don't deserve no Hitler's canoe! The deal is off!
HANK: Dad, calm down.
COTTON: Don't tell me to calm down, Boy Scout! I'm a war hero! I killed fi'ty men! (to Eustace) Hop on your sushi-boat and git! (to the crowd) If you're drivin' a Nazi car or an Italian scooter, get your Axis-lovin' ass out of here!

PEGGY: They looked like little angels sleeping there. The smell was unimaginable.

PEGGY: I know a Vietnam vet. Dr. Sardi, my gynecologist.
HANK: They needed those guys over there?

COTTON: Vietnam boys? No got-dang way! The VFW stands for Veterans of Foreign Wars, not Reefer-Smokin' Losers!

LEADER: The Arlen VFW has ignored us for thirty years. Heck, the Vietcong invited us back before you did, and they gave us free mopeds for the week.

RONNIE: One time my buddy Lenny was showing me a picture of his wife. Wind comes up out of nowhere, blows the picture away. Lenny went chasing after it, and a sniper got him in the right temple. My best friend got killed just because he missed his wife.
STINKY: I spent four years away from my wife, in dogfights over the Pacific. Those four years with my F-6 Hellcat were the only peace and quiet I ever had!

LEADER: You could use some therapy too, to clear up some of that anger.
TOPSY: I haven't slept in fifty years. So tired.

COTTON: No, this ain't a flashback! You're losin' again!

HANK: I'm sorry, Dad. I guess it was a bad idea to get everyone together. I guess I just --
COTTON: Dangit, Hank, don't apologize! You did everything right. I screwed up. Sometimes you can do everything right and still lose. It ain't your fault. You gave it everything you had, that's all I ever asked from my men. Thanks for trying, soldier.
RONNIE (overhearing): That's all we ever wanted to hear. "You did your best." "Thanks for trying."
COTTON: Well, I gotta say I'm surprised you fellas are as good as you is. Shoot, you captured Cotton Hill! The whole Nazi army couldn't do that. As commanding officer of the local VFW post, I would be honored to have you join our organization, on one condition -- that you stop all this got-dang bawling!

COTTON (to Hank): You're in a long line, behind cable, hooch and skootch.

COTTON: You ever get shot?
RONNIE: I got a plate in my head.
COTTON: No kidding? I got no shins!

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