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Quotes from "Peggy's Turtle Song"
Written by Brent Forrester
Directed by Jeff Myers

PEGGY: I am field-tripping in an hour and I can't remember any good songs for the bus. What does that John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt do again?
BOBBY: He goes out, people shout. Not a lot more is known about him.

NURSE: Mr. Hill, I've diagnosed your son with Attention Deficit Disorder. He's probably had it for years.
HANK: What? Well, how come nobody ever noticed this before?
NURSE: Very few people have access to the pamphlets. I do.

HANK: It is called Attention Deficit Disorder. Maybe the boy's not getting enough attention.

HANK: Now, I know we've talked a lot about how you should never do drugs, but from now on you'll be taking medication after every meal.
BOBBY: So, do I smoke it or snort it?
HANK: It's a pill, Bobby.
BOBBY: So I guess I'll just pop it.

LUANNE: Bobby, do you know who I am? I'm Luanne, remember?
HANK: He has A.D.D., Luanne, he wasn't hit on the head with a coconut.

BOBBY: There are ninety-six ridges on every checker except this one.

BOBBY: There's some milk in the fridge that's about to go bad... (sniffs) And there it goes.
LUANNE: I wish I had those miracle smart pills.

BILL: My ex-wife, she was a careerist, you know, and one day I had to say to her: "Honey, make a choice, it's either me or the motivational poster industry." Boy, I wish I hadn't said that.
DALE: You know what the root of the problem is, don't you? Feminism. Gloria Steinbrenner, that's what started it. Gerald Ford should have killed her when he had the chance.

BILL: That gal there, she's dressed kinda pro-choice.

EMILY: You said you wanted stuff with strong lyrics?
PEGGY: That's right, but no cursing and no cop-killing. I'm sorry, but that is just how I was raised.
EMILY: Maybe you should try writing a song of your own, Peggy. I bet a woman in your situation would have a lot to say.
PEGGY: What situation is that?
EMILY: You know, having to give up your life's work to make things easier for the rest of your family.
PEGGY: Yeah, I guess a situation like that should make me want to sing.

EMILY: You named your guitar Betsy?
HANK: Yep. It's one of my most precious possessions.
EMILY: Interesting.

PEGGY: That's what a teacher is, a great performer. It's one of the reasons children love school.

PEGGY: It is my day -- I should be able to do anything I want.
HANK: Not anything. You can't kill a man. Then you'd go to prison. And with that attitude, they'd put you in the hole.

HANK: Peggy's just not like you, I guess. You devoted your whole life to raising me, and let's be honest, you loved every second of it.
TILLY: Well, actually, I took odd jobs as often as I could, just to get out of the house. Don't you remember the year I drove a taxi?
HANK: No. Wait, I remember one year you had a yellow car.

LUANNE: I tried to study for my beauty exam, but I couldn't concentrate. And then I tried to figure out why, and I got bored.
BOBBY: You must have caught my A.D.D. And I know when, too. It was that time I sneezed in your face.
LUANNE: I don't remember that.
BOBBY: Well, you were asleep.
LUANNE: Bobby, I've got a test tomorrow morning, or afternoon, or evening, or something... Bobby, I need that pill!

MRS. BOOMHAUER: I tell you what, Hank, I come out all the way from Houston and then for dang ol' brunch, man, I raised this boy right, he's just a little dang ol' thing, man, it's the best dang day of the year.

SINGER:
Met a guy in my boxing class,
I slept with him before I kicked his ass.

EMILY: Peggy's here to sing a song about how a woman feels when the world tells her who she has to be.
PEGGY: No, actually I'm singing the one about the turtle stuck in her shell.

(Peggy's Turtle Song)
There once was a turtle who lived in her shell,
The shell was her home and her prison as well.
One day she got frightened, she wanted to hide,
So she tucked her head into the safety inside.
Then came a moment of terrible doubt,
She could not find any head-hole to poke out.
But a miracle saved her before her heart sank,
The magical love of a turtle named Hank.

WOMAN: Oh, man, kinda copped out at the end there, didn't she?

LUANNE (on Ritalin): Welcome home. I cooked you brunch and I tuned your car and I fixed your mower and I ate the brunch.

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