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Quotes from "Traffic Jam"
Written by Johnny Hardwick
Directed by Klay Hall

PEGGY (grading papers): Let's see... Trip to Dallas: B. Trip to Waco: B. Trip to New York City: C.

LUANNE: Singles traffic school... Smokers traffic school... Vegetarian traffic school... it's like no matter what problem you have, they have a traffic school for it.

HANK: Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to criticize your lesson plan, but do you have a lesson plan?
BUDDHA SACK: You sayin' a black man can't put together a lesson plan? Well, here's my lesson plan: I ain't planning on teaching less'n you shut up!

HANK: Look, there's something we haven't told you, Bobby, but maybe now's the time. You see, show business is inherently evil.
PEGGY: Hank! We agreed not to have this discussion until Bobby is fifteen years old!
HANK: I know, but it's time for some tough love. Bobby, comedians are show-offs. Sure, they get beautiful women and drive fast trucks, but eventually --
BOBBY: They have fast trucks?

BUDDHA SACK (to Bobby): Hey, Opie Taylor, get your butt up here on stage!

HANK: Sit down, son! They're not laughing with you, they're laughing at me!

BOBBY: My dad brought me here. He wanted to show me how sad and lonesome you are underneath.
BUDDHA SACK: You right, you right. Buddha Sack is a sad man. But not as sad as your daddy's sorry self, with his four eyes, two-minute pies, tuba size, crackerjack prize... somebody help me out here...
BOBBY: And he likes French fries!
BUDDHA SACK: Ladies and gentlemen, this kid's gonna be the white Rerun!

BOBBY: Yo, yo, yo, Bobby Hill is in the house, uh-huh! Would you look at all the white people standin' around, ain't got no butts! Y'all the no-butt-havin'-est people, uh-huh. And white people always be walkin' around like this, like they be crushin' diamonds or something. Look at me, I'm white!

BILL: White people do walk like that, especially in the army.
BOOMHAUER: Heh-heh, talkin' bout no butts, man... tell you why it's funny, man, 'cause it's dang ol' true.

BOBBY: So how come you're in Arlen? I mean, you're really good.
BUDDHA SACK: I got a little risque on Moesha a couple of years ago, and it's been hard for me ever since. Besides, TV's not where it's at, Bobby. It's just giving people the same old stereotypes, playing the same old stories. I don't want to do that. What I want to do is make people laugh and think, you know what I'm saying?
BOBBY: That's why you teach traffic school.
BUDDHA SACK: Yeah... that's why I teach traffic school.

BOBBY: Hey, I've been working on some new material. Check it out. "White people think the 'hood is something on their sweatshirts." And "How come the cops always be pullin' me over? What's up with that?"
BUDDHA SACK: Bobby, let me give you a little constructive criticism: You're not black.
BOBBY: Oh. Okay.

BOBBY: My dad says comedy isn't a real job.
BUDDHA SACK: Comedy ain't about listening to your dad. You think Shucky Ducky got where he is by listening to his dad?

HANK: You have no manners. It's obvious your mother didn't raise you right.
ASSISTANT: Uh-oh.
BUDDHA SACK: What's that? You talkin' about my mother? Let me tell you about your mother! Your mother is so fat, she jumped up in the air and got stuck!
HANK: What??
BUDDHA SACK: That's right, I said your mother is so fat, she free-bases ham!
HANK: First of all, my mother is not overweight. She weighs one hundred and twenty pounds, which is perfectly normal for a woman her age.
BUDDHA SACK: I said your mama is so fat, when she walks around in high heels, she strikes oil!
HANK: I don't think you've even met my mother. If you want to pick on someone, at least have the courage to pick on me.
BUDDHA SACK: Uh-huh, uh-huh: Your urethra is so narrow, the sperm be going through there single file! One two three four, sperm two three four!

PEGGY: Oh, honey, your roots are very rich. Your grandfather and his father and his father's father all were married, and bought houses, and had jobs, and had children.

BOBBY: You're so lucky, Connie, you're ethnic. Joseph and I are just nothing. We're just white and boring.
JOSEPH: Yeah.

HANK: ...And then he said my mother was so large, her stretch marks have names.
MANAGER: Well, has he ever seen your mother?
HANK: No.
MANAGER: Is she overweight?
HANK: Not by half.
MANAGER: Then that's not funny.

BUDDHA SACK: I got something called freedom of speech. Ever heard of the first amendment? Thomas Jefferson be turning over in his grave right now, and the slave ladies on top!
HANK: Now, see here, Thomas Jefferson was a founding father! He designed and built his own house!

BOOMHAUER: Dang ol' cocktail waitress... or two, man, if I find out they're roommates... dang ol' double boink.

HANK: Boomhauer, where'd everybody go?
BOOMHAUER: Yeah, man, I tell you what, man, I took Dale to the dang ol' truck... muffler fallin' off, man, ain't got no brakes, sparks flyin' everywhere... I told him, man, you wanna fix that thing, use dang ol' duct tape, man.
HANK: What? They took Bobby to Snapz?

BOBBY (doing his act based on the White Nationalist website): Okay, how many people here are lucky enough to be members of the Nordic subgroup of the Aryan race? Can I see some hands? (silence) Yeah, it's tough being a white man these days, it's tough. Folks, I'm so white, during the riots I went out and bought a television. (horrified gasps from the audience. Bobby taps the mike) Is this thing on?

BILL: Shut up, you whitey!

BUDDHA SACK: Opie, that new act of yours is seriously unfunny. Am I right, folks? (audience agreeing) You ain't allowed to talk that way, not in America. Am I right, y'all? (more agreement) Wrong! We got a thing called freedom of speech, and a man on this stage can say any dumb-ass thing he wants! (no reaction from the audience) Uh... besides, look at this kid's daddy! Ain't got no butt at all, no butt at all! His booty so small, he gotta hold on to the lifeguard to keep from fallin' in the toilet!

HANK: If you're looking for a real job, you ought to consider a career in propane. You know, this whole humor fad is pretty much on the way out.

BUDDHA SACK: Check it out! Drew Carey has finally developed a sense of humor! Hey, Drew Carey, your mother is so ugly, when she walks through the bank, they turn off the cameras!
HANK: Well, your mother is so ugly, it affects her self-esteem.

HANK: Hello, I'm Hank Hill.
BUDDHA SACK: And I'm Roger Sack.
HANK: Tonight's episode of King of the Hill dealt with racial stereotypes, particularly the myth that white people do not have butts.
BUDDHA SACK: As you can see from the man standing next to me, that's simply not true.
HANK: Thank you, Roger.
BUDDHA SACK: It's a fine butt.
HANK: Uh... thank you.
BUDDHA SACK: That butt is the bomb!
HANK: Uh, thanks. Cut to The X-Files! Now! Go!

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