The King of the Hill Quotes Page: "Death Buys a Timeshare"
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Quotes from "Death Buys a Timeshare"
Written by Etan Cohen
Directed by Kyounghee Lim & Boohwan Lim
BILL: Hot enough for you?
HANK: Shut up, Bill, you've said that three times.
COTTON: All that money I inherited from Topsy's estate got me to thinking... Topsy's dead. I outlived my last friend. Dang, it makes a man feel invincible!
DALE: Congratulations on once again outrunning the reaper, sir!
BILL: So then Cotton says "I bet Fatty here can eat fifty potatoes." And the bartender says "no way," which of course was a terrible insult to the Colonel's honor. Long story short, I was pronounced legally dead!
COTTON: Only thing that makes sense is to head for the place where a man with American dollars can live like a king, suckling on God's great teat: Mexico.
BILL: Margereetees and senoreetees!
COTTON: Amen, Fatty!
HANK: I've got to make sure Bill doesn't do anything stupid. His wages are still being garnished by Columbia House -- a timeshare is the last thing he needs.
PEGGY: You be careful too, Hank. You're going down there with a liver, two kidneys and no timeshare. I expect you to come back the same way.
HANK: If an at-risk kid can't get me to order Sports Illustrated, no one's going to sell me a timeshare.
COTTON: Hey, Fatty, I got a game that'll pass the time. Who do you think is uglier: Hank's mother or Hank's wife?
DALE: Hi, Peggy. You're sweating like a pig.
RICH: Welcome, welcome. Or as we say in El Grande Vista -- ben-ven-i-do.
RICH: O'Kelly has incredible gifts. We're lucky he's used them to build the world's finest timeshares.
BILL: It's strange, I fear him but I am not afraid.
WENDY: Bill, an attractive man like yourself --
BILL: I'll buy!
COTTON: O'Kelly sounds like he's got the smarts of Topsy, the gumption of Brooklyn and the moxie of Fat Brooklyn. He's like all my old dead friends rolled into one big live friend!
COTTON: Do you know what's out there? O'Kelly's private yacht. Manned 24 hours by the creme de la creme of the Mexican navy. Got a private chef used to work for Cantinflas.
HANK: It says in their own brochure, Americans cannot own land in Mexico.
COTTON: If I don't own anything, why am I paying all these maintenance fees and property taxes?
BILL: Good point.
RICH: Colonel, you're a world traveller, so I'm sure you appreciate the international details O'Kelly insisted upon. Italianate marble. Mexican cacti. As we're proud of saying: it's the casa with class-a.
BILL: Americans cannot own land in Mexico! Americans cannot own land in Mexico!
HANK: He lives in an apartment and only gets a $300 a month pension. He can't even afford real Cheerios. He eats something called Oat Loops. It's made right around here.
RICH: What?! But then how can we raise his monthly ownership dues? And if he's not a homeowner, then what are we going to foreclose on?
COTTON: O'Kelly's yacht sails tomorrow and I'm gonna be on it, roastin' weenies with Vincente Fox and Joe Montana!
CONSULATE GUY: So you want me to get your father into El Presidente for free?
HANK: Yeah, that would be great.
CONSULATE GUY: I've got it. We could slap an embargo on all of Mexico until Rich lets him in. You know, starve 'em out.
(Hank leans forward, intrigued.)
CONSULATE GUY: I'm kidding, Mr. Hill.
BILL: I'm off to urinate on the statue of O'Kelly!
RICH: Maybe there is a way. If Cotton recommended someone who bought, say, a week at Silver level...
HANK: Oh, God. Oh, no.
RICH: Hank, how much do you spend on a typical vacation?
(Hank sighs, resigned.)