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Quotes from "Square Peg"
Written by Joe Stillman
Directed by Gary McCarver

HANK: No need for Bobby to get all bothered up learning about sex when he can't do a damn thing about it anyway, at his age...and with his features.

PEGGY: Bobby, honey, um -- what do you know about sexual relations?
BOBBY: I don't know. Nothing much. I'm a little worried about being a slut.

BILL: I didn't take sex ed in school. The army taught me everything I needed to know, and in four different languages, too. Want to know how to get a bar girl in the Philippines?

BOOMHAUER: Yeah man...I tell ya what...I'll tell him about them condom dispensers...Put little ol' 50 cents in there and try to hit that coin return...bang on that thing...Talk about her needs.

PEGGY: Listen to this chapter title: "The Fourteen Stages of Arousal." And then you turn the page and -- oh my goodness, is that C. Everett Koop?
LUANNE: That must be an old book, 'cause now there's eighteen stages.

PEGGY: Luanne, honey, tell me, what is it like to live without shame of any kind? Is it a good feeling?
LUANNE: Yeah, it is.

PEGGY'S MOM: You're at that special time of life, the time when a little girl becomes a woman, and you start getting a monthly visitor.
YOUNG PEGGY: Who? Uncle Joe?

LUANNE: Look, here's a chapter on "Communicating Your Needs To Your Love Partner."
HANK: Ugh! What kind of filth are you reading?

HANK: That is the inside of a womb! A woman's womb! Bobby is not going to look at the inside of a womb! He's only been outside yours for eleven years!

BOBBY: I'm not gonna need my toys any more. After I learn Sex Ed, I'll be too busy dating.
JOSEPH: Who?
BOBBY: I don't know. Whoever wants to have sex with me.

BILL: Just think, you'll be married to a woman who knows everything about sex. I never been with a woman like that, except of course bar girls. Not that Peggy's a bar girl, no, she just...knows what a bar girl...knows.

DOOLEY: Hey, Bobby, your mom's gonna teach Sex Ed.
BOBBY: Yeah, I know.
DOOLEY: We're gonna get to see her boobs.
BOBBY: So?

DOOLEY (to another kid): Your dad lost his job.

PEGGY: Don't stop at first base, son! Go all the way, Bobby! Go all the way, honey!

HANK: Hello?
DALE (on the telephone, disguising his voice): You don't know who I am, but I know where you live, and if you teach that Sex Ed class, so help me, I --
HANK: Dale? Is that you?
DALE: Oh, Hank. Uh, can I speak with Peggy?
HANK: Peggy, it's for you. It's Dale.
PEGGY: Hello, Dale.
DALE: You don't know who I am, but I know where you live...

HANK: Where in the hell are my elbows gonna be that they need to be smooth?

PEGGY: Ovaries. Uvula. Uterus. Va...GINA!

PEGGY: Hey, Hank, I just did it.
HANK: I heard you. The whole neighborhood can hear you cussin'.
PEGGY: It's not cussin', Hank, to say the name of a God-given body part.
HANK: It is if it's a part of the body that was meant to be concealed by an undergarment. You're dealing with organs that people just don't want to know about.
PEGGY: Well, Bobby ought to know about them. We don't want him growing up as repressed as we did.
HANK: Sure we do!

PEGGY: Today we're going to discuss the subject of human relations. Otherwise known as... (beat) Human relations.

BOBBY: I just wanted to say you don't have to worry about me, 'cause I'm never gonna have sex.
HANK: Whoa, Bobby, now don't say that!
BOBBY: I thought that's what you wanted.
HANK: Well, yes, if you were my daughter, but you're my son.
BOBBY: Why is it not okay for girls, but it's okay for boys?
HANK: It's called the double standard, Bobby. Don't knock it, we got the long end of the stick on that one.

HANK: If you'd like to learn more about sexual education, don't! Nobody likes a know-it-all who sits around talking about their genitalia. Now, I think you might like this next show, The X-Files. I always thought it was some kind of porno, on account of the title, but turns out it's all about two young people who don't have sex. Now, that's entertainment!

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