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HANK: Hey, my Dad's invitation to the party got returned. "Grandpa Cotton Hill, Hell, U.S.A."? Bobby, why'd you write this? You know Grandpa lives in Houston.
BOBBY: Mom says he's the Devil.
HANK: Peggy, how can you tell Bobby that?
PEGGY: I said "evil," Hank. How you get "Devil" from that is beyond me.

HANK: He lost his shins defending Texas in World War Two.

HANK: Bobby, if you're gonna fake dial, you gotta hit more than three numbers.

DOOLEY: This party's boring. Everybody hates you.

BOBBY: Vot are you talking about? Vot are you talking about?

BOOMHAUER: Heh heh heh...Man, what you talkin' about?...What you talkin' about?...I tell ya what, fat kids always funny, man...dang ol' John Candy, John Belushi...Knife and fork dug their graves, man.

BETHANY: I heard after Hank's mother left Cotton, he married his 16-year-old nurse.
PEGGY: Didi is 39, thank you very much. Although parts of her are much younger.

COTTON: Hey, Hank's wife.

COTTON: Looky here, Hank. What do you think of your momma's new ta-tas?
HANK: She is not my mother. Hell, we went to kindergarten together.
DIDI: Hey Hank. Do you still like finger-painting?

BILL: I'm having fun!
DOOLEY: Your wife divorced you.

HANK: This is my new neighbor.
DALE: He's Japanese.
COTTON: No he ain't. He's Laotian. Ain't you, Mr. Kahn?

PEGGY: Good lord, Cotton! You gave him a loaded shotgun?
COTTON: Well, you don't give a toy without batteries.

COTTON: Thanks a lot, Girlie, but the truth is: you're a girl.

DIDI: Cotton, I'll do the dishes. I like to.
COTTON: Permission granted. Put an apron over your new bosom, too. (aside to Bobby) Don't tell her, but I got 'em cheap. Both lefties.

COTTON: Hank, Bobby and me have decided he's gonna stick vegetables up his nose.

HANK: You just don't understand him, Peg. See, he's a flamboyant character, like a peacock. That's why men love him. But women don't like his style because you all are like the pea-hen. More subdued and drab.
PEGGY: You just cannot see your father for who he is.
HANK: Well, Bobby and I both want him to stay. So that means you're outvoted.
PEGGY: Oh yeah? Well, Luanne hates him too. That means we're even.
HANK: Well, Jesus loves him, so I win.

COTTON: You're nothin' but skin and bones, girlie! Put some corn pone on them hips!
LUANNE: I don't want any, Grandpa Hill. Don't wanna get fat.
COTTON: That's not for you to worry about. You will never know if you are attractive. It's up to a man to tell you that. You keep eating and I'll tell you when to stop.

LUANNE: Touch me again, and you'll be wearing that corn pone, old man.
COTTON: Ooooooee! Feisty!

COTTON: It's a holiday, isn't it? It's Angie Dickinson's birthday!

DALE: Sometimes things just disappear for no logical reason. One day, my cousin woke up -- his kidney was gone. At the same time, five hundred miles away, a woman in Phoenix contracted diabetes.

COTTON (watching Charlie's Angels): Damn, it's a Shelley Hack! That's like gettin' a Shemp!

BOBBY (to Peggy): Well, go on, woman, get me my dinner!

HANK: What are you, turning into some kind of feminist?
PEGGY: I am not a feminist, Hank. I am Peggy Hill, a citizen of the Republic of Texas. I work hard, I sweat hard and I love hard and I gotta smell good and look pretty while doing it. So, I comb my hair, I re-apply lipstick thirty times a day, I do your dishes, I wash your clothes and I clean the house. Not because I have to, Hank, but because of a mutual, unspoken agreement that I have never brought up, because I am too much of a lady.
HANK: Thirty times a day?

COTTON: What kinda work could a guy get in this town?
DALE: Uh, are you allergic to asbestos?
COTTON: Hell no.

COTTON: I was fourteen, just a little older than Bobby. But I knew Uncle Sam needed me, so I lied and signed up. We had beat the Nazzys in Italy, and they shipped me to the Pacific theater. A Tojo torpedo sent our troupe's ship to the bottom. I could only save three of my buddies, Fatty, Stinky, and Brooklyn. They were kind of like you fellas, only one of them was from Brooklyn. Out of the sun came a Tojo Zero and put fifty bullets in my back. The blood attracted sharks. I had to give 'em Fatty. Then things took a turn for the worse. I made it to an island, but it was full of Tojos! They were spitting on the U.S. flag! So I rushed 'em, but it was a trap. They opened fire and blew my shins off. Last thing I remember, I beat 'em all to death with a big piece of Fatty. I woke up in a field hospital, and they were sewing my feet to my knees.

BOBBY: Hoo! She's moody! Must be PBS.

HANK: Well, she's got a point, but he's a war hero. She's my wife, but he's got no shins.
CUSTOMER: Uh, I'm just trying to get some propane here.

COTTON: Well, I never thought I'd see the day when my own son would stop loving me. It's about time! Love's for sissies! Ain't that right, you house full of hookers?

HANK: Your mother's probably got a better head on her shoulders than anybody in Arlen.
BOBBY: Better than Bill? Or Dale? Or Boomhauer?
HANK: Geez, Bobby, why not compare her to a babboon in the zoo?

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