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Quotes from "Peggy's Magic Sex Feet"
Written by Jonathan Collier

PEGGY: I'm really not much of a bowler.
DALE: This shirt would beg to differ. Look at yours, Hank: "Flamer," for the propane man. I guess I could have gone with "Propane Man."
HANK: No, "Flamer" is cooler.
NANCY (to Peggy): Look at yours, sug, it says "Spare Peg."
DALE: I started with "square peg," and then put a twist on it. And then Nancy told me "spare" is a bowling term, so it works on both levels.

LITTLE PEGGY: But Mommy, I want my Mary Janes!
PEGGY'S MOM: Oh, Peggy, it's not my fault your feet are growing and you're not.

PEGGY: I'm looking for something in a size 16 bowling shoe that says "8" on the back.
CLERK: No, I think you're looking for a size 16 and a half that says "8" on the back.
PEGGY: 16 and a half? No, no, no! I have been a size 16 since I was just a little girl.
CLERK: Oh, it's actually quite common for a woman's feet to keep growing as she gets older.
PEGGY: They're getting bigger? Oh, God!
CLERK: Yep, at this rate I'd say you've got a shot at the big 2-0.

WOMAN: Oh, it's okay, it really is.
PEGGY: Oh, please, spare me your psycho-babble!

PEGGY: I was discovered in a parking lot, just like Lana Turner. And now I am going to star in an educational video, which Lana Turner was never asked to do.
HANK: That's great! I'll get to see my wife in a movie!
PEGGY: Well, it's not really me in the film, it's mainly my feet.
HANK: Well, everyone has to start somewhere. What's it about?
PEGGY: It is an empowerment video for people in the foot community. The director, who is a genius, filmed me getting a foot massage, soaking my feet in butter, stimulating my soles with a ping-pong paddle... Hank, he may even distribute it on the Internet!

DALE: Welcome to peggysfeet.com.
HANK: Wait a minute, is that a pornographic website?
BILL: It's not a pornographic website, it's a fetish website.

BILL: Mm, Peggy's been a bad bad girl.

PEGGY: You may not have noticed it, because I wear bold eyeglasses to draw the attention to my head, but your mother has exceptionally long and handsome feet. And until now, I had been tricked by the media into thinking that they were unattractive.
BOBBY: Who? Who in the media tricked you?
PEGGY (after a beat): Bobby, I don't know their names. It's more of a conspiracy

HANK: You, sir, are nothing but a low-rent smut hound, and you will delete my wife's feet from your Internet before she finds out what you've done with them!
TRIMBLE: What I've done with them? I've made them stars!
HANK: You made them wade through pork and beans!
TRIMBLE: This isn't about individual artistic decisions, it's about something bigger than you, me or any of us. It's about a world wired together, a future where at the click of a mouse, a dream can start in Arlen and end on a computer in Johannesburg. The generations join united under the banner of a single ideal: women's big beautiful feet! It's about an end to strife and misunderstanding. One world, one dream, one piece!

PEGGY: Bobby, some men like ladies' bottoms, and some men like ladies' bosoms, and a small, small number -- too few -- love ladies' big feet. Now, Mommy is trying to increase that number, and thus help women everywhere.
BOBBY: How does this help the women with the big boobies?
PEGGY: They don't need any more help.

TRIMBLE: Look, I've been around this business long enough to know what works. No one wants pretty. They want spinach, eggs, and corned-beef hash. For some reason they don't like them together. Go figure.

TRIMBLE: Let's be honest, Peggy, you know your feet are ugly. That's what a certain type of very self-hating individual will pay top dollar to see. Now let's fire up those stompers and make some dirty.

HANK: I know I'll never love your feet as much as they do, but the way I look at it, you're like a fully loaded truck. The big tires are part of the package. You pay extra to get those really big tires. Now, why are you crying? You know how much I want a new truck.

PEGGY: I actually let myself believe that these were beautiful. Can you imagine? Peggy Hill, that's stupid.
BOBBY: I can imagine, Mom. I'm fat.
PEGGY: Oh, no, honey, you're husky! It says so on your jeans.
BOBBY: Mom, I'm fat. But big deal. I don't feel bad about it, and you never made me feel bad about it. And just because there are people out there who want me to feel bad about it doesn't mean I have to. So Bobby Hill's fat. He's also funny, he's nice, he's got a lot of friends, a girlfriend. And if you don't mind, I think I'll go outside right now and squirt her with water. What are you going to do?

PEGGY (into the microphone): My name is Peggy Hill, and I will take a size sixteen and a half!
BOWLING ALLEY EMPLOYEE: We don't need your name, we just need your shoe size.

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