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Quotes from "Meet the Propaniacs"
Written by Kit Boss
Directed by Shaun Cashman

HANK: The New York Times Magazine? Published by the New York Times Newspaper? Oh, Bobby!
BOBBY: I wasn't reading the articles!

HANK: Those are propane accessories and you will treat them with respect!

DALE: Excuse me, I am here to buy a Wagner Char-King Imperiale as advertised. My satisfaction depends on it.
HANK: Dale, go home.
DALE: Bait and switch! Bait and switch!
DALE & CUSTOMERS: Bait and switch! Bait and switch!
HANK: No, no, there's no switch! It's bait and bait! Bait and bait!

BOBBY: I am the Great Gas-Head!
JOE JACK: He's the Great Gas-Head.
BOBBY: I'm the Great Gas-Head, and I'm here to say
Grills are comin' and they're on their way...
PEGGY: Oh, dear Lord, do not make fun of propane, Bobby! Do not make fun of propane!
BOBBY: A whole truckload, and that's not a few,
Twenty to forty thousand B-T-U!

PEGGY: You will be called the "Propane Maniacs!"
BOBBY: No, no... the "Propaniacs!"
HANK: That's great, Bobby! Here's to the Propaniacs!
HANK, BOBBY, LUANNE, BUCK & JOE JACK: The Propaniacs!
PEGGY: Propane Maniacs!

BOBBY: You know, it's weird, Dad, but I don't even totally understand what propane is.
HANK: Well, no one will ever totally understand Sweet Lady Propane.

HANK: Sorry, Dale, you've got to work at Strickland to be in the group. Except for Luanne, she's in or Buck won't pay for T-shirts.

BOBBY, LUANNE, JOE JACK & DONNA:
The Propaniacs, Propaniacs on the floor!
And we'll make you laugh and make you laugh some more!
We're the Propaniacs --
DALE: ...aniacs...
BOBBY, LUANNE, JOE JACK & DONNA: For sure!
If you're sad, we've got the gas that is the cure!
Propaniacs! Yeah!

JOE JACK: I need a new diaper. Baby did a bad bad thing.
HANK: (laughs)
PEGGY: That is a fart joke, Hank.
(Hank pauses as this sinks in, then continues laughing.)

HANK: Wait a minute, where's Joe Jack?
LUANNE: He was drinkin' from his mini-canteen out in the parking lot, and then he was smashin' car windows. I wasn't gonna say nothin'.

HANK: I'm sorry, Sir. I had no idea you wore... uh... You know.
CHARLIE FORTNER: Say it, Hank. I want to hear it come from your mouth.
HANK: Diapers.
CHARLIE FORTNER: You only have to say it. I have to wear them and buy them.

CHARLIE FORTNER: Tell you what, you just keep doing your little propane comedy show, you just have fun with it, and I will see that you never work in this business again. You'll be back hawking dungarees at Jeans West before you can say "Oo-la-la Sassoon!"

HANK: Yep, those were some good times. Bobby'd tell me something about comedy, and then I'd teach him a little bit about propane. You know that bit where he'd say "Propane is 270 times more compact in its liquid form than as a gas?" I gave him that line. But he sure knew how to deliver it.

HANK: There are sixty million people who use propane in this nation, Peggy.
PEGGY: Well, I find that hard to believe. I think you mean six million.
HANK: Want me to get the book?
PEGGY: Yes, I do.

DALE: Gas cop, gas cop, whatcha gonna do,
Whatcha gonna do when he comes for you?

JOE JACK: You have the right to remain efficient.
BOBBY: I know. If I give up the right to remain efficient, anything I grill unevenly may be used against me in a food court of law.

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