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Quotes from "The Substitute Spanish Prisoner"
Written by Etan Cohen
Directed by Kyounghee Lim & Boohwan Lim

PEGGY: Hank, all my life I have always had all the answers. And today I didn't, and I'm scared. What if I'm really not as smart as I think I am?
HANK: Come on, Peggy, you've got an I.Q. of 170. You've said so lots of times.
PEGGY: Yes, but there could be a margin of error, especially when it's just my own estimate. Hank, I have never taken an I.Q. test in my life. Oh, God, what if I'm average? Do you have any idea how dumb "average" is?

BOBBY: "The only intelligence testing site endorsed by the Intelligence Institute of Texas." Even I sound smart reading that!

DALE: So they administer the test, and they sell the books. Sounds like she is getting ripped off by they...m.
HANK: Now wait a minute --
DALE: You're getting scammed, and I should know. I lost a bundle to that Gypsy modeling school.

DR. VAYZOSA: You're all familiar with the benefits of a PhD degree?
JIMMY: The clock at the bank once said 110 degrees!

TUG: If I had a PhD, I'd stop being a sports announcer and start calling chess games and such.

JIMMY: I'm Jimmy. I work at the racetrack, where the cars race. If I was Doctor Jimmy, nobody would call me stupid.
PEGGY: "Doctor Jimmy" does have a ring to it.
JIMMY: Hey, I thought of it first!
PEGGY: Well, I know, but --
JIMMY: Give it back! Give it back to me!

PEGGY: I must admit I'm surprised to see Jimmy Witchard here. I'm quite familiar with the man, and his... work, and I --
DR. VAYZOSA: Peggy, if you dropped a bunch of toothpicks in front of him, you'd understand why we at the Institute expect great things from Jimmy Witchard.

HANK: They could have rigged that test so anyone would look like a genius.
PEGGY: Anyone, Hank...?
(Cut to Luanne finishing up the test)
LUANNE: I'm a genius!

HANK: Peggy, I'm going to put this in terms even a genius can understand: you are no genius.

HANK: You've got what they call book smarts. Now, if we wanted to write a story about you losing our money, well, hands down, you're the one for the job. But if we want to do something that takes street smarts, like getting our money back from the jerk who stole it, then I'm the guy.
PEGGY: I can take care of it, Hank. Luckily, I have enough faith in me for the both of us.

PEGGY: Things are not always as they appear to be. This looks like I pulled my thumb off, but --
JIMMY: Aaagh! She pulled her thumb off! Call a doctor!

JIMMY: We gonna con him! Con him good!

OLD WOMAN: Vayzosa's already taken us for $8,000. If I lose this, I'll have to be buried at sea.
PEGGY: You have my word, they will put you in the ground. And that goes for all of you.

CASHIER: Welcome to the gambling parlor. May I take your bet, sir?
DR. VAYZOSA: Yeah, two thousand on Scott Yancey at 2-to-1.
CASHIER: Two thousand! It's almost like you have a hot tip.

PEGGY: I should have listened to you, but I didn't. While you were talking, I was humming a song inside my head just waiting for you to stop.

PEGGY: Thanks, Boomhauer. I knew I could count on you not to talk.
BOOMHAUER: Yo, man.

BOBBY: Mom, I know a magician's not supposed to reveal --
PEGGY: Here's how I did it. I knew Vayzosa was too smart to fall for a straight-up con, but that overconfidence would prove to be his fatal flaw. I ran an obvious bad con to distract him from my secret brilliant con. But there was one thing I was missing: a bellowing dupe whose incessant need to protect his helpless wife would drive Vayzosa to stash all his money in his room safe. Luckily, I had you, Hank. Thanks to you, Bobby.
HANK: Okay, so I doubted you like you thought I would. But what if I didn't? What if I had believed in you? Then where would we be?
PEGGY: I covered that base too. Vayzosa valet-parked his car.
HANK: So?
PEGGY: The Econo-Suites don't have valet parking.
HANK: Oh, you were going to steal his car. That would have been a felony. But that other stuff, that's genius.

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