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LUANNE: Beauty is an art. It's not something you can learn in school, like gym or study hall.

HANK: Bills... Bills... Bills... Why do we keep getting Bill's mail?

HANK: My hair is our livelihood. The advantages of propane don't always sell themselves.

HANK: Luanne, I'm thinking about just letting my hair grow.
LUANNE: Well, have you ever considered another color?
HANK: Men don't do that.
LUANNE: Oh, sure they do. Even President Reagan did.
HANK: Hey, now, if Ron Reagan dyed his hair -- and I'm not saying he did -- it was only to show his strength to the Communists.

DALE: Joseph's having a party. A boy-girl party. With girls!
HANK: You're gonna need some chaperones, especially if my Bobby's there.
DALE: Don't worry, I've got it all under control. There's not gonna be any hanky panky at my house. (Nancy returns with John Redcorn; Dale waves) Hey, John Redcorn!

DALE: Joseph's getting to be a real ladykiller, too. I reckon he gets that from his old man.

HANK: Hey there, Bobby. I guess they found a cure for the cooties? Heh, heh, heh.
BOBBY: I don't know. What are cooties?
HANK: Well, when I was a boy, that's what they called the germs you got from girls.
BOBBY: Oh, you mean like chlamydia?
HANK: Huh?

LUANNE: Parties are fun, Bobby. Everybody dresses up, and you get to touch-dance...
BOBBY: Touch-dance?? I don't know. What if I get felt up?
LUANNE: Oh, you just need some practice.
HANK: Luanne's right, all you need is practice. You think Jeff Foxworthy just woke up one morning and took some funny pills?

MISS KREMZER: And that's why blondes don't necessarily have more fun.

BOBBY: Are you going to Joseph's party?
CONNIE: Nope. My Dad won't let me be around boys until after I'm married.

BOBBY: It's just a dumb party.
HANK: A dumb party with girls.
BOBBY: I don't like girls!
HANK: Peg, honey, close the screen door.

LUANNE: Look, Aunt Peggy, I got my practice head! It's got real hair and everything!
PEGGY Well, Luanne, it's a very nice hea --
LUANNE (pulls it away): DON'T TOUCH IT! Aunt Peggy, I can't let anything happen to this head before my final. This is my chance to prove it doesn't matter that I wasn't paying attention. I may not be book-smart, but I'm pretty-smart!

BOBBY: There's an after-school special on this afternoon. It's about Jesus.

PEGGY: Hello, sweeth --
BOBBY: Nothing!!

HANK: Hey, Dale, Bill, Boomhauer.
DALE: Don't you "Dale, Bill, Boomhauer" us. You said noon. It's 12:15.
BILL: Do you have any idea how long we've been waiting?

BILL: You know, I feel for that kid. I remember when I was starting out as a young barber. I felt so alone --
DALE: Nobody cares, Bill.

HANK: You look better than good. You look like a weatherman.

HANK: Hell, I'm proud of you.
BOBBY: Hell, I'm proud of you too, Dad. Bye.
HANK: See, Peggy? Our boy is perfectly normal.

BOBBY: Yo, Charisse, you stone-cold fox, what up?

PEGGY: I know it is not my fault. If anything, this is your fault. You made him go to that camp with no toilet doors.
HANK: Don't point your finger at me, woman. You're the one who parks him in front of the TV and makes him watch all them muppets. They got frogs kissing pigs, what the hell did they think was going to happen?

PEGGY: We'll move to Berlin. Bobby will be accepted there. I read somewhere that Germans are a very tolerant people. Their culture admires all kinds of freaks.

HANK: Just so you know, most states won't let you marry a plastic head.
BOBBY: I don't want to marry it! I just needed to practice my first kiss so I don't look like an idiot.
HANK: You're kissing a plastic head, and you're afraid of looking like an idiot?

HANK: You're just using this head as a crutch.
BOBBY: It's not a crutch, Dad. It's something I've come to rely on to help me through life.

MISS KREMZER: First, this is not the plastic head you were issued. Second, just look at the way you shaved against the grain here, here, and here. And these are the worst sideburns I've seen since chair three, which makes me suspect you cheated. F. That means you fail.
HANK: What a bitch.

PEGGY: I realize I am just as much to blame for your condition as the media and the Devil.

CONNIE: Hey, aren't you going to Joseph's party?
BOBBY: I can't. It's a make-out party and my Dad took away my plastic head.
CONNIE: What a buzzkill.

CONNIE: Hey, Bobby, why don't we practice on each other?
BOBBY: You want to kiss me?
CONNIE: No, just practice.

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