The King of the Hill Quotes Page: "Pilot"
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Quotes from "King of the Hill: Pilot"
Written by Mike Judge & Greg Daniels
Directed by Wes Archer
(First lines ever spoken on the show)
BILL: Yep.
DALE: Yep.
HANK: Yep.
BOOMHAUER: M-hm.
DALE: I know what's wrong with it: It's a Ford. You know what they say "Ford" stands for, don't you? It stands for "Fix It Again, Tony."
HANK: You're thinking of a Fiat, Dale.
DALE: Fix...It...Again...?
BOOMHAUER: I tell ya what you do...you just take them dang ol' spark plugs out...and
that little hole...you just put a little oil around there...just like Bobby Unser said like it go BOOM...just
like that.
HANK: Well, I wish it were that easy, Boomhauer, but I'll tell you what my truck needs -- leadership. Detroit hasn't felt any real pride since George Bush went to Japan and vomited on their auto executives.
BOOMHAUER (discussing Seinfeld): I tell you what, man, you see the part where dang ol' George come in there and he's talkin' 'bout tasting his own burp and Kramer comes slidin' in there, he always does that. Them New York boys, I tell you what...just a show about nothin'.
HANK: That boy ain't right.
HANK: You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs, and you can't get on base without taking a swing.
BOBBY: The pitcher could walk me, couldn't he?
HANK: Don't play lawyer-ball, son.
ANTHONY: I wish I could, ma'am, but the regulations say we can't take custody of the boy without an interview.
DALE: I know what's wrong with your truck. It's your quote unquote pollution controls. I heard on talk radio you don't even need 'em, they're just an egghead government plot.
HANK: How is cutting down on pollution a government plot, Dale?
DALE: Open up your eyes, man. They're trying to control global warming. Get it? "Global?"
HANK: So what?
DALE: That's code for U.N. commissars telling Americans what the temperature's going to be in our outdoors. I say let the world warm up, let's see what Boutros Boutros Ghali Ghali has to say about that. We'll grow oranges in Alaska!
HANK: Dale, you giblet-head, we live in Texas! It's already 110 in the summer, and if it gets one degree hotter, I'm going to kick your ass!
DALE: Could be far-off helicopters...U.N. helicopters.
ANTHONY: Mr. Hill, I feel that you're coming from an anger mindset, and if you're projecting this anger onto me, it gives me grave concerns as to how you facilitate your son's growth in private.
HANK: Mister, I haven't even begun to project my anger onto you!
PEGGY: I'm a substitute Spanish teacher. Los estudiantes son mis amigos.
ANTHONY: Loud is not allowed.
DALE: Hey, baby, how about a couple of beers?
NANCY: Sorry, sug, I gotta go. I'm late for my migrane treatment with John Redcorn.
DALE: Nancy, you been going to that healer for twelve years, and you still get headaches every night.
NANCY: The healing process takes time, honey.
BOOMHAUER: I been calling y'all people for better than a month now, gripe 'bout y'all...ever time that dang ol' dog across the street start yappin' his jaw...24-hours a day...nobody answered...How you supposed to come out here and do anything about that dog?...Ain't no computer gonna come over here and shut that dang ol' dog up.
LUANNE: Mama's in jail. She was savin' a quart of beer for before bed, and Daddy threw it out, and she went after him with a fork. And the trailer tipped over, and everything turned upside down, and it's all gonna be on Real Stories of the Highway Patrol.
BOBBY: Your hostility invalidates our parent/child contract.
HANK: You're quotin' that twig-boy at me???
ANTHONY: The whole neighborhood was Redneck City. Did you see in the report how he dented my Geo?
BOBBY: Dad, that's not respectful adult/child growth dialogue.
HANK: I'll give you dialogue that's -- not coming from a center of anger. Please return the garage door to its factory-preset down position.
HANK: Please respect...my fence's right to...be a fence. Now!
BOBBY: I like him better this way.
PEGGY: How come?
BOBBY: I can make him love me even when I screw up.
COTTON: I got my shins blowed off by a Japan-Man's machine gun, so don't come cryin' to me with your problems!
HANK: You, uh, you're my son, you know, with everything that entails... feelings of fondness and more... You know what I mean, don’t you, boy?
BOBBY: No.
HANK: Ah. Well -- (high-pitched whinny) That's a hell of a weird sound, I never made that before... uh... I... you... family. You're not making this easy on me, boy. Okay: I love you no matter what you do, there, whew! Let's go get something to eat.
BOBBY: I'm not just a big disappointment to you?
HANK: Disappointment? No! You make me proud! I've been disappointed by just about everything else in this town, but you? Not once. Damn it, you're my boy.