The King of the Hill Quotes Page: "As Old as the Hills"
Click here to return to the Main Quotes Page
Quotes from "As Old as the Hills"
Written by Norm Hiscock
Directed by Adam Kuhlman
DALE: Twenty years. If your marriage were a murderer, it'd probably be out by now.
LUANNE: Bobby, my camping trip's been cancelled and the shelter says I have to be battered to stay there. So can I go with you to Cotton's?
BOBBY: No way. This is my last chance for Grandpa to spoil me before the baby's born. You stay away from him. He's mine. He doesn't even know your name.
LUANNE: Yes, he does. I'm "Missy Melons."
HANK: Now, this is not my award-winning "The History of Propane" slide show, but it's the next best thing: my marriage to Mrs. Peggy Hill. I call it "Twenty Years of Outstanding Service." (first slide) Here we see the early years, when our first home was an efficiency apartment. Although it would have been more efficient if it was heated with propane.
PEGGY: The bed was our only piece of furniture, and it was all we needed.
HANK: Yep. 'Cause it converted into a couch. (next slide: Peggy with the newborn Bobby) Bobby's head pretty much regained its shape, and Peggy pretty much regained her shape too. Heh-heh. Seriously, this is the day Bobby was born. (next slide) Here's Peggy and me whooping it up at the Young Gassers' Ball.
KAHN: Slide show longer than damn marriage!
(next slide: simulation of Hank and Peggy in old age)
HANK: Is this Hank and Peggy Hill twenty years from now? I hope so, because I wouldn't want it any other way. Here's to twenty more years of outstanding service.
COTTON: This one's bustin' to get out. Not like Hank. Never moved once while he was in there. Not even born and he already give up.
DRIVER: Where to?
LUANNE: Anywhere but here. Oh, not the Dress Barn -- I bounced a check. Or the nail salon, for the same reason.
COTTON: Bobby, this ain't no Basky Robbins vacation! Didi's with child! She's useless! Now, the first thing you can do is clean my ears.
PEGGY: Whatever happened to that young couple who dreamed of inventing a new steak sauce, or taking a train to Alaska?
HANK: That couple just grew up and realized that there was too much competition among existing steak sauces. We did ourselves a favor by abandoning those dreams.
HANK: What was that?
PEGGY: Just the sound of all the children we never had.
HANK: I couldn't give them to you, Peggy. It's my fault. I have a narrow urethra, yes I do. (Holds up a straw) This is my urethra. (sucks air through the straw) Nothing. I ran the 40 in 5.9 seconds, but my fellas haven't reached the end zone in twelve years.
BOBBY: I hope Grandpa treats the baby better than he treats you.
DIDI: Oh, he will, Bobby. Until the baby crosses him.
INSTRUCTOR: You're all here for different reasons, and personally I don't care what those reasons are. But you'll all be joined together by the one thing I do care about: parachuting. You have never experienced anything like what you are about to experience here today. Nothing comes close. Not even sex. Don't get me wrong, I like sex. A lot. But parachuting is, well -- God, it's -- it's hard to describe.
HANK (parachuting): Oh, my God, I can see Strickland Propane from here. It's beautiful.
HANK: Peggy, you were right, it's amazing! It's like selling a million grills all at the same time. With extended warranties.