The King of the Hill Quotes Page: "Mega Dale"
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Quotes from "Mega Dale"
Written by J.B. Cook
Directed by Cyndi Tang-Loveland
CORY: If I wasn't stealing so much beer from this place, I'd totally quit.
CHRIS: Yeah, we should build our own Mega Lo Mart. Call it, like, "Cool O Mart."
DALE: I hear Mega Lo Mart is taking bids for a rat problem. Boy, that'd be a sweet gig. I could finally start paying for Nancy's health insurance instead of just telling Nancy I'm paying for it.
(Mega Lo Mart commercial: Chuck Mangione jumping out of a plane)
CHUCK MANGIONE: Hi, I'm Chuck Mangione, and at Mega Lo Mart, our prices are falling faster than I am!
PEGGY: Dale needs the work, and if there's one thing he's good at, it's killing things. Wait, does Mega Lo Mart still have a pet department?
HANK: No.
PEGGY: He'll be fine.
HANK: Well, I guess he'd do the same for me. Whenever he prints up that money of his, I'm usually on the hundred Gribble bill.
HANK: Just thank me by doing a thorough, discreet, professional, quiet, detailed, courteous, efficient job.
CHRIS: Yeah, man, it's real strange. Sometimes we see things, and like, the prices are totally marked wrong, and I know I didn't do it, and I know he didn't do it.
CORY: Yeah, and sometimes, in the morning, the Mangione standees are facing a different direction than they were the night before. How do you figure that?
DALE: You've added a piece to the puzzle. Tell me, were the standees moved sloppily, as if by monkey, or neatly, as if by man?
CORY: Neatly.
DALE: As if by man.
DALE: You still think it's rats. Well, don't beat yourself up, Hank, I did too until the evidence pointed to babboons.
HANK: Babboon? Dale, don't tell Glidewell there's a babboon. It's not a babboon.
DALE: I know that. I won't bore you with the details, but bottom line: it's Chuck Mangione!
HANK: Dale's losing it at Mega Lo Mart, Nancy. We need some traps for the rat, and a tranquilizer gun for... uh... also for the rat.
DALE: Well, that's the calculated risk you take when you release a mongoose.
HANK: We'll be okay if we keep our wits about us. (Bill and Boomhauer panic and run off) You were supposed to keep your wits about you!
DALE: I blew it. All my exterminator's instincts were wrong. I'm not fit to live on this earth, let alone kill the things that live on this earth.
CHRIS: You know what we should do? Dude, we should dress him up in ladies' lingerie, take him to the photo department, and then make him sit on our laps!
CORY: Let's just shave his head like we planned.
DALE: Chuck, I don't get it. What are you doing here? This is a long way from the Merv Griffin Show.
CHUCK MANGIONE: When I signed a contract to be the Mega Lo Mart spokesman, I didn't read it carefully. I have to be at every store opening, and they open 400 stores a year. I haven't had time to record, or tour, or give my old lady any slow sweet lovin' in years. So I disappeared to the last place they'd ever look for me. I've been living here rent-free, eating their Cheerios, playing their video games and trying on their underpants. Anything to stick it to the Man.
DALE: You chewed through the security camera wires?
CHUCK MANGIONE: It was necessary so I could come and go as I pleased.
DALE: But what about the droppings? There were droppings all over the place.
CHUCK MANGIONE: Make those Mega Lo chumps pick it up -- they owe me!