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Quotes from "Meet the Manger Babies"
Written by Jonathan Aibel & Glenn Berger

HANK: The terrible truth is that America, the best country in the history of the world, no longer makes television sets. If I let this one fall apart, I let a piece of America die.
BOBBY: Well, couldn't we just get a Japanese one?
HANK: Bobby, go to your room.

LUANNE: Why are people so mean, Aunt Peggy? It's been 2000 years since Jesus was born, but we're still acting like cavemen.

LUANNE: The world's going to pieces. I mean, look at any newspaper -- aliens are getting autopsies and devil babies are being born every day.

HANK: People are still talking about Super Bowl 23 -- Boomhauer's dip was so thick, the chips were snapping like Joe Theisman's birdy leg.

HANK: You're pretty good with those.
LUANNE: I used to play with puppets all the time with the social worker.

LUANNE: I think God has a plan for me, and it involves puppets.

REVEREND THOMASON: Luanne, I like the idea of a Christian puppet show, but try and look at this from my perspective as the spiritual leader of this congregation: We just laid new carpeting in the activities room. You get thirty kids in there and lose their attention -- fruit punch all over my new carpet.

LUANNE: You know how Baby Jesus was born in a manger? (beat) Okay: Baby Jesus was born in a manger.

REVEREND THOMASON: For those of you who didn't hear my sermon this morning, let me remind you that spilling anything on a new carpet is a sin.

LUANNE: Once upon a time, almost two thousands of years ago, our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ was born. In a manger. And in that manger lived the cutest little animals. This is their story. (singing)
After Jesus left, King Herod came
Demanding first-born sons.
He cast an evil spell on them,
Freezing everyone.
Just lately I bought a Nativity scene
At a yard sale second-hand.
They came to life and then, amen!
I met the Manger Babies!
There's Obadiah the donkey -- he says "Eee-yaa!"
Hosea the cat -- "Meow meow!"
An octopus too -- "Gurgle gurgle!"
And let's not forget a very British bird,
Sir Reginald Featherbottom the Third.
"Charmed, I'm sure, guv'nor."
They are the Manger Babies, getting in trouble,
Manger Babies, spreading God's message of love,
Manger Babies...
MANGER BABIES!

HANK: I'm the assistant manager of this theater. I sell popcorn and popcorn accessories.

LUANNE: (as the cat) Thank you, Mr. Assistant Manager! Meow can we ever repay you?
HANK: By never forgetting this lesson: Sneaking into the movies is wrong. As wrong as spilling juice on a new carpet.
REVEREND THOMASON: Bravo! Bravo!

NANCY: You know, Luanne really shouldn't waste this kind of talent on church. If you want, I could show her tape to my boss at Channel 84. He's always looking for quality children's programming and home videos of things blowing up.
PEGGY: Well, Luanne really could use a boost right now, but I could not take advantage of our friendship like that.
NANCY: Oh, Peggy, honey, this is show business. That's what friends do.

PEGGY: Another Super Bowl, another can of Scotchguard. It would be a whole lot simpler if you would just ask Bill not to wipe his hands on the cushions.
HANK: I've got a better idea. You sit here. Me, Dale, Boomhauer and Bobby will sit here. We'll do a zone defense around the chips.
PEGGY: But what if Bill tries scrambling around the coffee table?
HANK: He doesn't have that kind of quickness, Peggy, not anymore.

HANK (after Luanne asks him to play God): As soon as I'm finished turning beer into water, I'll join you in the garage.

BOBBY: Hey, Dad, if you're God, I guess that makes me Jesus!
PEGGY: Bobby! Honey, you really shouldn't say things like that. That is for Luanne to decide.

LUANNE: Joe Sixpack! He's a drunk driver who crashed his pickup truck and was sent to Hell. And then he borrowed Satan's pickup truck without asking and trashed it, and he got kicked out of Hell, and now he roams the earth riding buses and doing evil, like he doesn't call you on your birthday or he throws beer bottles at your head!
HANK: What?? He crashed a truck? (to Joe Sixpack) You will feel my wrath! Ha ha ha ha ha!

DALE: The Super Bowl was pre-taped six months ago in the same Nevada hangar where they faked the moon landing.

LUANNE: God's vengeful on that line, not angry. Let's try it again.

LUANNE: Uncle Hank, I just realized that my octopus only has six legs. Maybe if I call him a sextopus -- do you think I'll offend sensibilities?

LUANNE: So you're not coming?
HANK: I didn't say that exactly. I said I was going to watch the game, but it could end early due to injuries, or, uh, a terrorist attack!

PEGGY: Hank, Luanne believes in you! How can you allow suffering in her world when you have the power to prevent it?
HANK: Suffering is a part of every religion, Peggy. I mean, look at what the Jews have been through, and you never hear them complaining.

PEGGY: 'Bye, Hank, enjoy the Selfish Bowl!

NANCY: This just in: Ten minutes into the first quarter of the Super Bowl, it's sixty-three degrees and partly cloudy.

HANK: What the hell is going on?
BILL: All I know is, this is the part of the movie where I start thinking "Why don't they just get out of the house?"

LUANNE: (as Joe Sixpack) Don't be an idiot, Luanne, God's not coming! He's watching the Super Bowl! Now get in! (as Obadiah) Eee-yaaa! We better do what he says! (as herself) Well, he is our only ride.
HANK: Luanne, no! Don't get in the car!

LUANNE: If God doesn't get here soon, we're all gonna die! (as Sir Reginald) Maybe it's best that we do die. Who wants to live in a world without God? (as herself) You're right. Hey, Joe Sixpack? Why don't you just point your car at those oncoming headlights and let's get this over with?

LUANNE: Oh, my God!
HANK: (as God) Yes, I have come!
LUANNE: Thank you, Uncle -- Lord! We never stopped believing in you!

TROY AIKMAN: A bunch of the guys were snapping towels in the locker room, and I went to Bible Study to get some perspective on it.

BOBBY: Mom, I borrowed the batteries from your remote control.
PEGGY: What remote control? I don't have any remote control.
BOBBY: Sure you do, in your purse! The universal remote that can change the channel on any brand of TV! I borrowed the batteries for my Game Boy.
PEGGY: When?
BOBBY: Before the Super Bowl.
PEGGY: But if the remote had no batteries, then how...
(The clouds part. Heavenly music plays.)
BOBBY: Or maybe it was after the Super Bowl. I don't remember.

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