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Quotes from "Beer and Loathing"
Written by Etan Cohen
Directed by Dominic Polcino

VOICE ON TELEPHONE: Thank you for calling Alamo Beer. For English, press 1. Para continuar en Espanol, opprime al numero dos.
PEGGY: Oh! I've never been indignant in Spanish before.

PEGGY: Are these items available to the general public?
THERESA: Nope.
PEGGY: Then I will treasure them.

DALE: I'll tell you what's going on with our beer. They've sold it to the Japanese, who will change the formula and repackage it in square bottles that will only fit cupholders in Japanese cars.

PEGGY: I have never had a problem keeping a secret. Ask any of the gay teachers I've worked with. But you couldn't, because I would not tell you who they were.

PEGGY: I'm sorry, Hank. Alamo trusts me not to tell you their secrets. Just as you trust me not to tell them about your narrow urethra. And believe me, I had the perfect opportunity.

DALE: Who would have thought Hank would put some flash-in-the-pan wife ahead of thirty years of friendship?
BOOMHAUER: Yeah, man, talkin' 'bout no secrets, man, just like when we were kids, talkin' 'bout skinned knees, first crushes, lemonade stand, little ol' treehouse.

PEGGY (on the phone): Si... vomitando... la diarrhea... la nausea. (to herself) What in Carmen Sandiego is going on in Mexico?

PEGGY: All of these calls are from Mexicans. Now, their Spanish wasn't great, but I was able to gather that they got sick after drinking Alamo beer.

DALE (in Mexico): I don't mean to sound racist, but this is by far the best selection of beans I have ever seen.

DALE: Step on it, Bill! I don't know which way it's coming out, but it's coming out!

HANK: My God, you care more about your stupid confidentiality agreement than you do about your own husband.
PEGGY: And you care more about your friends and your beer than you do about my stupid confidentiality agreement!

HANK: My wife lies to me. My beer company betrays me. Americans are giving Mexicans diarrhea. What the hell is going on here?

THERESA: It turns out that under Mexican law, the markets that sold tainted beer could be held responsible. And if those markets are shut down, where will the people of Mexico buy food for their children? Alamo is against child starvation, Peggy. We always have been. How about you?

HANK: Mr. Meinhoffer IV, I'm Hank Hill, Strickland Propane. For the last twenty years, Alamo has been a part of my family, like a favorite uncle who lives in the refrigerator. But you knowingly sold tainted beer to the good people of Mexico. That is not a crime, but it should be. Now, I would like an apology.
KONRAD MEINHOFFER IV: Mr. Strickland, Alamo Beer is not your uncle. We are not your family. We are a Delaware limited liability corporation. And the beer we sell in Mexico is as pure as the beer we sell in America. So unless you are one of our shareholders, we don't owe you anything, especially an apology. And we will not stand by while you libel our product with your baseless accusations. Now, I am not a litigious man. That's why I have lawyers.
HANK: Are you threatening me?
KONRAD MEINHOFFER IV: I don't threaten people. That's why I have security guards.

PEGGY: Sometimes when people are confronted with their mistakes, they are too embarrassed to admit they're wrong. Especially proud people. Your successful businessman, your educators, your substitute educators... I'm sorry, Hank.
HANK: No, Peggy, I'm sorry. (watching the Alamo commercial) Hey, there's Hops the dog.
PEGGY: Actually, the real Hops died years ago. It's one of the company secrets. Pass it on.

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