The King of the Hill Quotes Page: "Hank's Dirty Laundry"
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Quotes from "Hank's Dirty Laundry"
Written by Jonathan Aibel & Glenn Berger
Directed by Shaun Cashman
HANK: These are my personal private undergarments! Now the whole neighborhood knows I wear them!
BOBBY (watching a dryer): Let's get this one. It's like watching TV, only the show is about wet clothes.
BUCKLEY (greeting people): Hey. Hey.
LUANNE: Hello, Buckley!
BUCKLEY: Hey.
LUANNE: When did you get promoted to greeter?
BUCKLEY: Yester -- hey -- day.
MR. STRICKLAND: Well, there's the rat-hair in your tuna.
HANK: I always bring back my tapes. Look for yourself, I've returned The Great Santini twenty-three times.
HANK: Bobby, you ever heard of a movie called Cuffs and Collars?
BOBBY: Ooh, I think that's the one with the two cops who don't get along, but then they do, but it's too late 'cause he's dead, but not really.
HANK: So have you seen it?
BOBBY: No.
HANK: Who is calling me a liar, you or the machine? 'Cause I need to know whose ass to kick.
CLERK: I'm not calling you a liar, sir.
HANK: Fine. Where's the ass on this thing?
HANK: How could they think I'd rent a stag film, Peggy? I'm married!
HANK: It's important that you believe me when I say I didn't rent the tape.
PEGGY: Honey, okay, I believe you. I just have one question: Did you rent the tape?
BOOMHAUER: Yeah, man, talkin 'bout that dang ol' Cuffs and Collars, man, like when they come over to clean that pool, man, it starts goin' wakka-wakka-wakka-wakka...
BILL: I'm glad I'm not the only one who is disgusted by pornography. It's offensive! It's demeaning! It creates a standard of idealized beauty that your average man can't compete with.
HANK: Don't worry, Bill, I'm not going to let my credit and good name be done in by a damn computer error.
DALE: Computers don't make errors. What they do, they do on purpose. By now your name and particulars have been fed into every laptop, desktop, mainframe and supermarket scanner that collectively make up the global information conspiracy, otherwise known as The Beast.
HANK: Dale, I'm having a problem with one videotape, not some high-tech boogyman.
DALE: You just be careful. Computers have already beaten the Communists at chess. Next thing you know, they'll be beating humans.
PEGGY: I would like the luxury of vomiting on myself right now, but I don't have any clean clothes to change into.
DALE: Your only way out is to start over with a new identity. If you want, I can get you the birth certificate of a child who died in 1953. It's hardly been used.
HANK: No. I am not a quitter.
DALE: Who's not a quitter? My dead friend Hank Hill, or my new friend Rusty Shackelford?
OLD WOMAN: Mr. Hank Hill? You threw out your mail, son. Don't you want to prolong your lovemaking pleasure for just pennies a night, Mr. Hank?
DALE: You should have seen this coming, Hank. One by one, your friends will desert you. I'll be next.
PEGGY: What do I have to do to get through to you? Do I have to take off my shirt and dance like the women in your movies?
DALE: Yup.
BOOMHAUER: Yup.
PEGGY: Ho yeah!
BOBBY: Mom, look what Dad got me! There's Cuffs and Collars and a whole bunch of other cop movies: Jail Bait, Hung Jury...
PEGGY (to Hank): How dare you try to expose my son to these, uh, police tapes... that are so degrading to, uh, law enforcement officials?
MAN IN MOVIE: Are you a mounted police?
WOMAN IN MOVIE: Not yet, but a girl can dream.
HANK: Cuffs and Collars, the tape I never rented. Sixty-eight minutes into the film, actress Dee Dee Cupp bends over to shoe her horse. Now, if you pause the tape and look closely, you can just make out a tattoo on Dee Dee's left buttock that says "I heart Charlie Sheen." Mrs. Cupp also makes an uncredited cameo in Jail Bait, a tape which marks veteran porn star Fernanda Valli's return to the adult film industry on the occasion of her eighteenth birthday. At the seventy minute mark, Dee Dee bends over to shoe a donkey. What do we see on her left buttock? Nothing! There is no tattoo! This can only mean that Jail Bait was made before Cuffs and Collars. Now, why is this important? Because Fernanda Valli turned eighteen on July fifth, two weeks after I supposedly rented Cuffs and Collars! Is it possible that I walked into Arlen Video on June twenty-third and rented a movie that didn't even exist? I think not!
JUDGE: And let the record show that Mr. Hank Hill really knows his pornography.
HANK: Thank you, your honor!