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Quotes from "Junkie Business"
Written by Jim Dauterive
Directed by Cyndi Tang

HANK: If you could eat at Luly's with one of the following, would it be: a) Jesus, b) Mohammed, c) Golda Meir?

HANK: Mr. Harrington, you seem to have a few gaps here in your work history.
MR. HARRINGTON: Well, '33 to '45, F.D.R. was in the White House, so I was on the welfare. And in the '60s, you had Kennedy and L.B.J., so I was on the welfare. And then from '77 to '81, Jimmy Carter, so I was on the welfare.

DALE: I have killed all the bugs in Arlen. It is time for me to take on new challenges. My resume... ay.

BOOMHAUER: I tell you what, man, you work with a woman nowadays, you gotta pull duty like a Kathleen Willy, Slick Willy, man, dang ol' Willy Wonka, wonk wonk wonk.
HANK: Well, she's more qualified than any other applicant, but that only takes us so far. I mean, what are we going to talk about? Our feelings?

HANK: Leon's perfect, Peggy. He's like Bobby without all that stuff Bobby does.

PEGGY: So you were attracted to her! You must think she's one hot tamale if you couldn't even stand to have her in the office.
HANK: Peggy, she's gone, I'll never see her again.
PEGGY: Except when you close your eyes and kiss me, right? Is that what you're saying?

LEON: I wasn't late, I was early. I got here at -- what time are we open?
HANK: Eight o'clock.
LEON: Yeah, I got here at seven, and you weren't here, so I went to get some coffee, right? But the waitress, turns out her dog was sick, so I thought, hey, if I take her dog to the vet, she might buy some propane, you know, from us. So there's this line at the vet, because of this farm accident -- but try to keep it quiet, she might not hear about it -- but here I am with a customer's dog, and I just can't leave her. So I promise I'll never come to work early again.
HANK: Well, that sure is a long story.
LEON: Yeah, that's how you know it's true. So let's sell some gas! Team Strickley rules!

MR. STRICKLAND: Remember, Hank, he's wearing the name "Strickland" over his man-teat.

ANNOUNCER: Fans of Mexican TV know him as the evil Monsignor Martinez, but offscreen, this man of the cloth makes cloth into his own line of casual slacks!

HANK: Bobby, how would you like to help me out around the shop for a few days? I can't pay you, but you can have all the snacks you want. We've got fruit pies, pretzels, all kinds of Newtons...
BOBBY: You had me at "fruit pies."

BOBBY: I have to do all the work because Dad's new employee is a drug addict.
HANK: Now Bobby, Leon's a little slow on the draw, but that doesn't mean he's on drugs.
BOBBY: You gotta trust me on this. When you've heard as many former athletes lecture at your school as I have, you get to know all the signs.
PEGGY: Wait, you hired a drug addict instead of that beautiful chicana? My God, Hank, how badly did you want that woman?
HANK: Just hold on here, Leon's credentials are top-notch, even if they are from the non-profit sector. Six months at Helping Hands Institute, one year at Covenant Place.
PEGGY: Those are detox centers.
HANK: Centers? No, look right here. "Institute." "Place."
LUANNE: Uncle Hank, you're in denial.
BOBBY: Yeah, Dad, you're what Too Tall Jones called a co-dependent enabler.

ANTHONY: It's against the law to fire this man. He's a drug addict.
HANK: Are you sure you don't want to shoot me?

ANTHONY: This is the Americans With Disabilities Act. It ensures that no person, however disadvantaged or short or obese or blind or gay or even stoned, can be discriminated against, once his healing has begun.
MR. STRICKLAND: Hell, right now I'd kill for a big fat blind gay guy if we could just get some damn work done around here!

HANK: Customer. Jason, can you get that?
JASON: Sorry, Hank, I suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder. If I get out of this chair, Garth Brooks is gonna die.
HANK: Joe Jack, can you get that customer?
JOE JACK (into the phone): Ha, ha, ha! (looks up) Much too angry, honey.
HANK: Melinda, a little help please?
MELINDA: Ohh! Too bloated!

HANK: Debbie's got the yuppie flu, and Hector claims he has something called priapism. He wants a roomier work station and a view of Debbie.
PEGGY: Hank, you cannot stand by while these greedy pigs suck the life out of Strickland Propane. Anybody's disabled if you think hard enough.

ANTHONY: Hello, Mr. Hill, I came as quick as I could. From your message it sounded as if you'd become the victim of some kind of discrimination.
HANK: That's right, Anthony. You see, I recently came to realize that I, too, suffer from a disability. It's called G.W.S., Good Worker Syndrome. I get sick to my stomach unless everyone around me is giving a hundred and ten percent. The symptoms include pride, responsibility, and a feverish enthusiasm. It used to be a common condition among Americans.
ANTHONY: Ugh! People like you who abuse the system ruin it for the rest of us -- the truly disabled!

LEON: Don't call me Leon any more. That's the name I use drugs with. From now on I want to be called... uh... Hank Hill.
HANK: No! That's going too far. I cannot accommodate that. I won't.
ANTHONY: It's not up to you, Hank. It's up to Hank. This man is not your slave. You don't get to name him.

MR. STRICKLAND: Welcome back, son, you're re-hired. After a six month probation period, you will be eligible for vacation and benefits.
HANK: Probation?
MR. STRICKLAND: Yeah, you gotta understand my position here. Last couple of Hank Hills I had, one of them was a druggo, the other quit on me.

JASON: Hank, if you don't give me another cup, the Oak Ridge Boys are gonna die.

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