The King of the Hill Quotes Page: "Joust Like a Woman"
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MR. STRICKLAND: I got a lead on a new client so big, it’ll put all my bastard sons through college.
KING PHILIP: Ah, so you are the keeper of the flame?
HANK: Uh... assistant keeper of the flame.
HANK: I’m putting you in charge of the spending money. Spend it any way you want with three rules: No tights, tassels, or skirts on the boy. Oh, and no bells.
DALE (dressed in a "Star Trek" uniform): It says right here, "One dollar discount with period costume." Well, I’m from the future, and the future is a period, ergo, this is a period costume! Period!
KING PHILIP: We wage war on France on the morrow!
TEENAGER: That is so gay.
KING PHILIP: Blah! This is mead! I said grog!
PEGGY: We’ll be a great team. Side by side, like our double sinks.
KING PHILIP: How now, gas man?
HANK: Uh, pretty good, thanks. My wife Peggy is ready to serve the kingdom.
PEGGY: I am a Renaissance woman. This is a Renaissance Faire. We are a perfect fit!
PEGGY: In the future, they will invent a magical sucking device, to free women from household drudgery!
HANK: Well, I guess if they burn you at the stake, they’ll be usin’ my propane, heh-heh-heh. (to King Philip) You’ll find it burns witches cleanly and evenly, and at a fraction of the cost of natural gas.
PEGGY: Why don’t you drop the act, and you explain to me why the wenches make seventy cents on the dollar, and the village idiot gets full dental?
HANK: Got-dang it! That’s my third pair of these got-dang tights today!
BOBBY: Least you get to wear tights.
PEGGY: I hand you Tomatoes of Freedom!
KING PHILIP: Listen to your shrew. In her nagging there is wisdom.
KING PHILIP: If you are able to tilt me off my steed, then I will apologize to you and yon hag and purchase your gas. But if I should send thou tumbling to the dirt, then you and your gas will be banished from the kingdom, but not before your wife cleans the man-sweat from my blouse.
HANK: Fine. You are in for the joust of your life, mister. Yep. The joust of your life.
HANK: Yep.
BILL: Yep.
BOOMHAUER: Mm-hm.
DALE: Bleep! You’re gonna get killed, Hank. I’d offer to help, but the Prime Directive forbids me from altering the course of history. If I do, you will win, but the universe will lose, and who wants that? Besides you.
HANK: No chump in a velvet costume is ever kickin’ my ass.
DALE: In the Middle Ages, there was an orderly procedure for the dispensation of the wife, unlike in today’s gynocracy. Ownership goes from the son, to the dog, to the best friend. Bobby’s too young, Ladybird’s too old, I already own a wife, Boomhauer doesn’t have the time, so Bill, this could be your in.
BILL: Don’t worry, Peggy. I’ll take care of you.
PEGGY: That is as unnecessary as it is repulsive. Peggy Hill can take care of herself.
DALE: Heh, heh, oh, boy, you’re gonna have your hands full with this one, Bill.
KING PHILIP: Tell me, peasant, how does it feel to have lost the joust, your wench’s honor, and the propane account in one might thrust of my lance? It’s a bitter taste, I’m sure, and ye shall savor it for seven score fortnights anon.
PEGGY: Hey, King Make-Believe! You just got beat by a girl!
KING PHILIP: Crap, I’m gonna lose my fair! I don’t wanna go back to sellin’ real estate!
PEGGY: Well, I just wish I had been born five hundred years ago. I could have single-handedly saved womankind forever!
DALE: The Prime Directive has been breached! Women’s Liberation has happened too soon! I must warn the future!
BILL: Take me with you! I hate it here.