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Quotes from "Peggy's Headache"
Written by Joe Stillman
Directed by Chris Moeller

(Doyle Harcavy's last "musings" column:)
- When it comes to starting the day, nothing wakes me up faster than coffee.
- They say children are a blessing but mine are holy terrors.
- Is it my imagination or does no one talk about World War I anymore.

(Peggy's rejected ideas for "musings":)
- Lots of cookies will make you fat.
- Thank goodness for plexiglass.
- Sunburn, too much of a good thing.
- Nothing is dirt cheap, because dirt is free.
- Give a donkey the chance and he will bite you in the ass.

NANCY: Sug, I don't think she knows about us. Peggy's got such a trusting nature, she always believes the best in people. (beat) You know, suddenly I feel dirty. I'm going to take a shower.

JOHN REDCORN: The whales sing of joy and sorrow, of pain and loss. Like Leann Rhimes.

PEGGY: Hank, I just got my first musing: My husband calls me his better half because I "better half" dinner on the table when he gets home!

HANK: There's nothing wrong. It's good news. Your aunt had her headache cured by John Redcorn.
LUANNE: (horrified gasp)
HANK: Stop that! Put your face back before somebody sees you!

JOHN REDCORN: Hank, you are my friend. I would never heal your wife the way that I heal the wives of others.

HANK: How could you not know? I mean, look at Joseph, where do you think he came from?
PEGGY: Nancy told me Dale had a Jamaican grandmother.

PEGGY: You dirty bird!
NANCY: What's wrong, sug?
PEGGY: Joseph is not Jamaican, and neither is Dale, and I'm beginning to suspect his grandmother isn't either!

BILL: Nancy is having an affair with John Redcorn? This is the first I've heard of it. I am shocked, I mean I am shocked, that's what I mean, I am appalled.
BOOMHAUER: Yeah, Hank, don't be pryin' into family secrets, man... we've all got our dang ol' skeletons in the closet, man... like that dang ol' Orville Redenbacher... turns out it's just an actor, man.

PEGGY: "Let's face it, Angie Dickinson has lost her looks." "Mix pineapple juice with club soda, you've got yourself a big bucket of crap."

DALE: Look at that John Redcorn, he sure can swing!... John Redcorn never strikes out, right, Nancy?... Redcorn's gonna score again!... Wingo, man, he's going all the way!

PEGGY: My rose-colored glasses are off and the world looks flesh-colored and unappealing.

DALE: Your wife loves me and wants us to run off together. I have not yet been able to ascertain where.
HANK: Dale --
DALE: No probleemo on this end, I don't even find her attractive.
HANK: Of course you do, and I appreciate the lie, but Peggy's just being nice to you. But you're a good friend for wanting to tell me. Dale, if the shoe were on the other foot, would you want to know?
DALE: Don't flatter yourself, Hank, Nancy likes her men thin and pale of face. I thank God every day for sending me an angel with the hots for my trachtine physique.

PEGGY: You hear the expression "lie like a dog" often enough that it is almost a cliche. But more often than not, if someone is lying to you, they are a person. We all know someone who is lying to her husband. Every day we look the other way, we add a lie to a lie. Well, this reporter is not going to lie any more. And you can print that.

NANCY: Sug, listen. I love Dale, but in a lights-on sort of way.
PEGGY: Well, I feel sorry for you, I really do, but you married for better or for worse, and worse includes Dale.

PEGGY: Dale, Nancy is not the wife you think she is. And John Redcorn, well, he's not the friend you think he is.
DALE: Wait a minute, let me get this straight: Nancy and John Redcorn did something to your dog?

DALE (on "Encino Man"): Pauly Shore, nineteen-ninety-two, cl-assic!

PEGGY: You know, Hank, I really --
HANK: I know. And, Peggy --
PEGGY: I gotcha.
HANK: All right, then.

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