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Quotes from "Of Mice and Little Green Men"
Written by Sivert Glarum & Michael Jamin
Directed by Shaun Cashman

HANK: I heard a funny joke the other day. It seems a doctor, a lawyer, and a gentleman from Oklahoma --
BILL: I told you that joke. I want to tell it.
DALE: You'll just ruin it. Let Hank tell it.
BILL: It's my joke, I'm gonna tell it. There was this doctor, and then -- (he gets hit in the face with a lacrosse ball) -- ow!
DALE: That was pretty funny. Tell it again.

DALE: My son the jock. With me and your mother as parents, I don't know how you got so athletic.

BOBBY (on "Of Mice and Men"): The play is about a hard-working regular Joe and his slow-witted friend.
HANK (looking at Bill): Yeah, I know a little bit about that.
BOBBY: Perfect! Maybe after dinner we could rehearse together. I've been looking for a vehicle for the two of us.

DALE: I'm in over my head, Hank. I ran out of advice after I told him to hold the stick like a giant cigarette.

HANK: You think you could give Bobby some pointers on acting?
DALE: Could I? Yes. Will I? Yes.

DALE: Bravo, Bobby, bravo. That's the best performance since Michael Caine's ether-huffing abortionist in The Cider House Rules.

PEGGY: Hank, you are not Joseph's father. Dale is Joseph's father. Well, actually, John Redcorn is Joseph's father, but Dale doesn't know that. The point is, you are only his godfather. You are not supposed to take over for Dale until he is gunned down by federal agents. That is the agreement.

DALE: Are you as nervous for Bobby as I am?
PEGGY: Dale, if you want to make this a competition, I will win.
DALE: So where's your better half?
PEGGY: He's probably out dealing with a propane emergency. As a propane wife, you'd think I would be used to it by now, but I am not.

HANK: That's my neighbor's boy!

DALE: Poor Joseph. Can you send a thirteen year-old boy a bouquet of flowers? Is that appropriate?
HANK: Well, if the boy is my boy, you can.

DALE: I recently saw on the Discovery Channel that it takes nine months to make a baby. Well, nine months before Joseph was born, me and my reproductive organs were 500 miles away in Marfa, Texas. For years, alien spaceships have appeared in the sky above Marfa. A lunatic fringe have dismissed these so-called "Marfalites" as swamp gas, experimental aircraft, or weather balloons. So I went on a research trip to debunk these wacko theories. Nancy had a horrible headache and couldn't travel, so I asked John Redcorn to stay at the house to protect her while I was gone. I thought I was being so smart, but I have never been so stupid.
HANK: Oh, Dale, I'm so sorry.
DALE: The truth has been right in front of me all these years. Joseph's father is...
HANK: Nancy loves you!
DALE: ...an alien!
HANK: What!?
DALE: The aliens knew I was getting too close to the truth. Exactly what truth, I have no idea, but I was close. They had to do something to distract me. And what better way than a lifelong distraction -- a child. So they impregnated Nancy with their highly potent space juice. As nefarious schemes often do, it worked. For the past thirteen years, I have been too busy raising an alleged son to maintain constant surveillance.

JOSEPH: You're telling me I'm from outer space? Like E.T.?
DALE: Actually, no. He was a purebred alien, and had a heart of gold. You're only half-alien, and at times can be a tad self-absorbed.

JOSEPH: He's just being nice to me so my real dad won't freeze him in carbonite and trade him for spice.

PEGGY (playing George in "Of Mice and Men"): That line could be better. Who wrote this crap?

HANK: Dammit, Dale, why did you have to tell Joseph he was an alien?
DALE: It's the truth, isn't it?
HANK: Well, sometimes it's better to keep the truth from someone. Especially when -- you know -- they can't handle it.
DALE: I felt the same way when Boomhauer told me I had bad breath, but since then I've learned to inhale when I talk.

HANK: Hey, buddy, have you seen two thirteen year-old boys?
DALE: One of them half-alien.
MAN: I saw one kid wander off into the desert with his Indian guide.
DALE: Well, thanks anyway.

DALE: I can't believe I lost Joseph. I hope his real dad doesn't eat my brain. But of course he will.
HANK: Dammit, Dale, you're his real dad.
DALE: No, I'm not.
HANK: When Joseph was a baby, who changed his diapers? You or some alien?
DALE: I did.
HANK: Who took him to his first day of kindergarten?
DALE: I did.
HANK: Who taught him how to tie his shoes?
DALE: John Redcorn.
HANK: Well, okay, but who taught him how to ride a bike?
DALE: John Redcorn. He taught Joseph, then Joseph taught me.
HANK: Okay, but I didn't see the aliens doing that stuff. But you were there for every Christmas morning and scraped knee. You, Dale. Any alien can inject someone with his space juice and be a father. But it takes a real man to be a dad.

JOSEPH: Dad, aliens impregnated Mom. That's a given. But isn't it possible that first they abducted you, stole your genetic material, and used that to create me?
DALE: Recovering... recovering... recovered memory! That's exactly how it went down, which means you are my flesh-and-blood genetic son!

HANK: I guess you had your own idiot man-child to deal with.
BOBBY: That Joseph. He's really... really like his dad.
HANK: Yep. Those Gribbles are two nuts on the same sundae.
BOBBY: Yep.
HANK: Yep.

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