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HANK: I can't just leave work at 4:50 on a Friday afternoon.

DALE: S'go, s'go, s'go! S'get there!

LUANNE: Welcome to my end-of-semester party. I never thought finals would be over. But by this time next week, they will be!

DALE: Hank, if you're steering the car, who's taking off your shirt?

BOBBY: Maybe no one's ever taken the time to tell Dad how much better charcoal is.
PEGGY: And no one ever will. Now strip off your clothes, throw them in the washer, and throw in some fish-sticks. Your father has a nose like a doberman!

BILL: I know this hotel -- it's where Lenore and I spent our honeymoon. That's the couch where I slept.

DALE: I'm Gribble of the Gribble party. We requested four standard rooms on your kosher floor.
MAN: I'm sorry, sir, we don't have a kosher floor.
DALE: This is an outrage! How do you intend to placate me? Wait till my pastor hears about this! My god is a vengeful god!
MAN: Sir, please, we don't discriminate against -- whatever you are.

HANK: I'll take the standard room, one key, shampoo, and no conditioner.
DALE: Don't mind him -- he's with the schoolmarm convention.

HANK: I'm doing it! I'm a mooner!

HANK: I'm gonna kick your asses!
DALE: Why is it always about asses with you, Hank?

BILL: Let me take the fall for you, Hank. I don't have as far to drop.

GOVERNOR RICHARDS: Don't worry about Bill. I commuted his sentence to dinner for two.

BILL: Well, she's taking me to a fancy ball tonight -- I should probably shower.
HANK (after Bill leaves): Well, it's nuts, but she does have him showering.

BILL: Ann, you're the best thing to happen to my life since Lenore ruined it.
GOVERNOR RICHARDS: Your ex-wife?
BILL: Yeah. I used to have kind of a taste for trash, but now it's all prime rib and filet mignon and tenderloin.
GOVERNOR RICHARDS: Are you talking about dinner, or are you talking about me?
BILL: Mostly you.

GOVERNOR RICHARDS: You guys like baseball?
DALE: If you're trying to smoke out the Communists, relax. We're all cool.

HANK: You brought charcoal into my house!
PEGGY: I didn't know what it was! Luanne asked me to hold it for her! I thought it was drugs!
HANK: There's soot under my boy's nails! You don't get that from a clean-burning fuel.
BOBBY: You don't get the rich smoky flavor either.
HANK: Shut your mouth! Now, we're going to sit here and pray.

BILL: Well, I should probably go vomit. Back in a jiff.

BILL: What are you doing here?
LENORE: I think the real question is, why did I ever leave?
BILL: You said it was because I was fat and bald and got jealous every time you had a date.

BILL: I'm a mature man, older but wiser. And Lenore is older but still pretty.
DALE: True, Lenore is ten times hotter than Ann Richards. And Ann Richards is hot!

HANK: I'm not going to force propane on you. That's an insult to propane and to you.

BOBBY: You lied, Mom.
PEGGY: No, Bobby, I came to my senses. All of them, except for taste.

LENORE: So whose birthday is it?
BILL: Mine.
LENORE: Oh, I'm sorry, baby, I didn't get you anything.
BILL: That's okay, your presence is my present. I can't wait to take you home and unwrap you. And then have sex!

LENORE: I'm dating a man who dumped Ann Richards! That's like me dumping Ann Richards!

BILL: You know, Lenore, I've been thinking, I never really got around to signing those divorce papers.
LENORE: Oh, that's okay -- I forged your signature. William in script, Dauterive in capital letters, just like you do.
BILL: You know me so well.
LENORE: I know your mother's maiden name, your social security number, what foods will kill you. If I didn't care so much about you, I could ruin your life.
BILL: Lenore, will you marry me?
LENORE: Bill, it wouldn't work out. You live in Arlen and I live in -- well, I probably shouldn't tell you where I live.

GOVERNOR RICHARDS: I'm the keynote speaker at a Hell's Angels rally.

GOVERNOR RICHARDS: Bill, when somebody serves you humble pie, why do you keep going back for seconds?

GOVERNOR RICHARDS (as Bill moons Lenore): Now blow her a kiss!
BILL: No. Does that mean we've still got a chance?
GOVERNOR RICHARDS: No. But it does mean you've still got a chance.

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