The King of the Hill Quotes Page: "The Good Buck"
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Quotes from "The Good Buck"
Written by Alex Gregory & Peter Huyck
Directed by Allan Jacobsen
MR. STRICKLAND: Donna, find me that website where the elephant does his business on the man's head.
HANK: Sir, I don't usually ask personal questions, but are you okay?
MR. STRICKLAND: My wife kicked me out. I had Donna over at the house, and the old crow caught us in flagrante on the credenza. It's all over. She said she could handle my drinking binges, and my gambling, and even turn a blind eye to my extra-marital escapades, but not when it happened all at once, and on her birthday!
COACH: For those of you who are slow and overweight, this will be difficult. But so will life.
BOBBY: I'd like a table near the air conditioner.
MAITRE D': I'm sorry, kid, this is high tea. We require a jacket and tie. And long pants. And no sneakers.
BOBBY: Doesn't passion count for anything?
LUANNE: Nobody has any faith in me. I'm telling Jesus you weren't any help.
YOUNG HANK (selling pants): There's a money-back guarantee on those. That's not the store's policy, it's just mine.
HANK: I'd never tell him this, but I look on him as a mentor.
PEGGY: Really? I thought I was your mentor.
DALE: You know what a real friend would do? Get me to burn down said other friend's failing business for the insurance money. Just say the word. Or don't. I'll get the signal. Just nod. Or don't.
HANK: Shut up, Dale.
DALE: So we're on.
HANK: Sir, the flame in you has grown dim, but if you open your valve and let Him in, the Lord will fill you with His gas.
PEGGY: Buck is drowning in a sea of his own addictions, and if there is one thing I learned at YWCA camp, it is that you cannot save a drowning man!
LUANNE: Buck is my student. I am his teacher. And the Lord is...our principal. And until He rings the bell, class will not be dismissed!
DORIS: It's so nice to see a refined young man. My grandson steals from me.
LUANNE: This is a Bible study class, Joseph.
JOSEPH: Oh, yeah? I like the Bible. A bunch!
HANK: What are you doing here?
JOSEPH: Bibling up, dude.
DORIS: Bobby, you are a treasure. Pearl, we should fix him up with your niece -- how old is she?
PEARL: Thirty-seven.
LUANNE: Rememberingness is next to holiness.
MR. STRICKLAND: Who the hell are you?
OCTAVIO: Octavio, dude.
OCTAVIO: Look what I got. (indicates his tattoo) Jesus!
JOSEPH: Hey, that's Rob Zombie!
OCTAVIO: Shut up, kid.
LUANNE: Fellowship hug!
JOSEPH: Oh, boy!
OCTAVIO: You can't be a good man just by acting all righteous and stuff. It says right here in the book of Acts -- wait, the red letters are the Jesus words, right?
MR. STRICKLAND: You all may have read the story of the Prodigal Son, but fellow Christians, I have lived it. I have strayed far and long from the path of the righteous. I have sinned, I have lied, I have fornicated on stolen antique furniture, but I will tell you this: the good Lord sets the most beautiful table for the son who has eaten from the most dumpsters.
PEGGY: Well, I guess it was inevitable. Women from broken homes always look for a father figure. Buck is technically more of a grandfather figure, but in a way that's actually healthier. There. I've made it palatable for myself.
HANK: Did you see him? He was clean-cut, polite, he wasn't even sweating vodka.
LUANNE: You're very nice, but you're totally old. I like young guys, who love Jesus but have fitness...and hair.
MR. STRICKLAND: She toyed with my affections! She only did it to get me to the Lord! How sick is that?
HANK: When Buck gets upset, he dives straight into his addictions.
LUANNE: Oh, it's okay -- he's totally addicted to Jesus now.
COACH: Bobby Hill, you have had your last -- thingie. Cake? Pastry? Whatever.
MR. STRICKLAND (drunk): Well, what are y'all lookin' at, you heathens?
MR. STRICKLAND: Propane's been good to me.
HANK: Lady Propane's been good to all of us, sir.
MR. STRICKLAND: Lady Propane. You know, maybe I could give up all my old addictions and get myself hooked solely on propane. Plus one other thing, you know, to keep things spicy.