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Quotes from "Be True To Your Fool"
Written by Dan McGrath
Directed by Anthony Lioi

HANK: Dangit, lately my scalp's been itching like crazy.
DALE: You too? I thought my spider-senses were tingling to warn me of danger. Unless we both have spider-sense.

BILL: There's a lady in town who does lice treatments for schoolkids. She's so pretty. So I stuck my arm into a bucket of hair we cut off some new recruits, and those little critters, they just hopped right aboard me. If any of you guys know a better way to meet the lice lady, I'd like to hear it.
DALE: You gave us all lice, you disgusting he-freak!

(In his panic, Dale does a Curly Howard "run around on the ground" routine)
HANK: Pull it together, Dale. I don't want to have to put the plastic cone around your neck.

HANK: That got-dang Bill. Ever since Lenore left him, I've done nothing but cut him slack. He sleeps on our car. He's always stealing Ladybird's squeaky toys. Remember when he kept a chamber pot by his bed? He keeps burying his porno in our backyard.

DALE: As an exterminator, I will take steps to spare us the shame of hairlessness. A mixture of melathion and lindane. Fairly harmless, according to the government, which has been squirting it at you for most of your life.

DALE (after squirting himself with pesticide): And... tingling. And burning. Itching. Itching. Burning. And blindness. Intense burning. Hank, get your hose.

BILL: I want to play lawn games too. But nobody wants Bill's head on their lawn, oh no. Bill has lice, he's no good, blabbity blabbity bloo. I suck.

HANK: How does a man lose track of the back of his own head? A tattoo!? I've been lying every time I donated blood.

VAGRANT # 1: You got lice?
BILL: Yeah. And I spit when I talk. And I fart when I spit.
VAGRANT # 1: That's what makes life interesting.

HANK: Can you think of any reason why any of us might ever have gotten a tattoo?
DALE: What kind of tattoo? Like a bar code? 'Cause that would point to the Rand Corporation.

BILL: Sure your fingers turn blue from the barbicide, but that's just part of the job.
VAGRANT # 1: You have a job?
BILL: Sure. Got to pay the mortgage somehow.
VAGRANT # 2: You got a house?
BILL: Yeah. I got it in the divorce.
VAGRANT # 1: You were married? I guess we got a nickname for you: Hollywood!

BOOMHAUER: All right, sit back and I'm gonna tell you a dang ol' story, man... 'bout a long time ago in a dang ol' Arlen far, far away. You know... simpler time, man... talkin' 'bout crazy kids... dang ol' bell bottoms... disco sucks... dang ol' back in the day, man.

YOUNG DALE: Dallas! Can I see where Lee Harvey Oswald was framed?

YOUNG HANK: "The Chainsaw." Huh. Probably a hangout for the lumber industry.

BOOMHAUER: I thought you'd never know, man... that dang ol' lice, man... threw us a curve ball, man... talkin' 'bout like dang ol' Sandy Koufax, man.
HANK: Yeah. I guess I forgot all about the Bill that Bill used to be. I ought to kick my own ass.
PEGGY: You know, the real surprise here is that those poor lice could ever have survived off your cold, cold blood.

HANK: I've been your friend for twenty-five years. Who talked you out of buying the houseboat? Who kept you from killing yourself after Lenore left you? Who listens to you for hours after you've had a nightmare?

BILL: That must have been incredibly painful.
HANK: Yep.
BILL: Yep.

COP (to Bill): Looks like you're out on good behavior.
HANK: If good behavior is a factor, I cleaned the toilet and made the beds.
COP: Sit down, baldy.

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