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Quotes from "Now Who's the Dummy?"
Written by Johnny Hardwick
Directed by Dominic Polcino

JERRY: You got something, kid.
BOBBY: Got what? Moxie? Chutzpah? Pizazz?

JERRY: You can't just put your hand inside his body. You've got to get inside his head. Who is Chip Block? I'll tell you. He's the best athlete ever to attend All-America High. Every boy wants to be his pal, every girl wants to be his gal. But I'm sorry, ladies, he's saving it for marriage.

PEGGY (reading US magazine): Hank, what is it about models that rock stars find so attractive?

HANK: "Fluttering butterflies?" Not in this house.

HANK: My son is playing with dolls. There, I said it.
DALE: He's a sissy. There, I said that.

BILL: How do you do that, Bobby?
HANK: He's using show business.

BOBBY: Raw eggs? Haven't you heard of salmonella?
CHIP: Relax, kid. If I wanted to kill you, I'd challenge you to a push-up contest.

OCTAVIO (into his tape recorder): 11:15 a.m. The man and the boy and the puppet leave the house.
DALE (into his tape recorder): 11:16. Octavio speaks into tape recorder. Thus leaving crucial evidence! Stupid idiot! Octavio must be gotten rid of. (Dale reaches into his glove compartment, pushes aside his gun, picks up a pad and pen, and starts to write a letter) "Dear Octavio: This is the hardest letter I've ever had to write..."

DALE: I would like to purchase some chloroform, a roll of duct tape, and this gagging bandana.

HANK: How'd you learn so much about golf?
BOBBY: I've seen Happy Gilmore fifty times.
HANK: I hate Adam Sandler.
CHIP: Yeah, he's all poo-poo jokes. You don't have to work blue to be funny.
HANK: Amen to that.
BOBBY: Dad, I think I'm starting to get a ventriloquist's tan.
HANK: Nobody likes a whiner, Bobby. Right, Chip?

BOBBY: When you and Chip were partners, did you ever get the feeling that the audience liked Chip better?
JERRY: Of course. Chip was the star. And he got paid better too. That's a joke from my act.
BOBBY: Didn't that make you crazy?
JERRY: Of course it did. I wanted to be known for more than just Chip Block. At one point I even shelved him and hit the road solo. I did sound effects. I was the first guy to do windshield wipers. Squeak-eek squeak-eek squeak-eek squeak-eek... A few weeks later the audiences stopped coming. After my second cry for help, I decided it was better to be on the edge of the spotlight than not be there at all.
BOBBY: Yeah, I hear you.

HANK: I'm kicking your ass through that thing!
DALE (takes chloroform): You wouldn't hit an unconscious maaaaaa.... (passes out)

HANK: What do we really need Chip for anyway?
BOBBY: Now you're talking!
HANK: Yep. Think about it. If we build a new Chip, we can make him perfect. Don't get me wrong, Chip was great, but his neck was really too thick to play football, at least competitively, and if his ears didn't stick out so much, he could wear a helmet. I'll be at my work bench, cobbling together something I can be proud of.

PEGGY: Your son is throwing a football in the air and doing his damndest to catch it. Maybe he'd get a few less bruises if you spent some time with him.
HANK: That's why I'm trying to finish the new Chip A.S.A.P. So we can spend time with Bobby again.
PEGGY: Well, all right, then, I will let you play with your doll. Oh, and if you have any lumber left over, you might want to use it to carve the wife you've always wanted, too.

DUMMY BOBBY: Hey, isn't Iron Chef on?
BOBBY: Yeah! Let's go watch Iron Chef!
HANK: You know, the Rangers are playing the Yankees right now, and --
DUMMY BOBBY: Iron Chef! Iron Chef!
BOBBY: Iron Chef! Iron Chef! Sorry, Dad, it's two against one.
HANK: Yeah, I guess you're right.

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