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Quotes from "Dog Dale Afternoon"
Written by Jon Vitti
Directed by Tricia Garcia

HANK: You're not touching my mower ever again. You left it out in the street where any weirdo could just brush up against it.
DALE: Hank, what would weirdos be doing near the gas station? (suspicious) What would weirdos be doing near the gas station...?

DALE: Say hello to the Allegro X9J, code name "Redeemer" at the Mason mower skunkworks in Sidemount Hood. 73 decibels of twin-barrel four-stroke war cry, all at a price I can't really afford.

DALE: That is a water-tight seal. I can mow my lawn in a hurricane. Can you mow your lawn in a hurricane, Bill?
BILL: I don't know.
DALE: You can't mow your lawn in a hurricane. Can you, Boomhauer?
BOOMHAUER: I tell you what, man, if I got that pause-trackin' goin' on, a little choke-hold, I...
DALE: Bullcorn! (as the garage door closes) Oh, almost forgot: Hank can you mow your lawn in a hurricane nope didn't think so ha ha ha ha!

DALE: I know what you're here for.
JOHN REDCORN: Dale, this isn't how I wanted you to find out.
DALE: Quit screwing around with my mower!
JOHN REDCORN: You've got to be kidding.
DALE: I don't kid about my mower. Now get inside and start massaging my wife.
JOHN REDCORN: He's taking some of the fun out of this.

DALE: Look at the date on that paper. That's tomorrow's newspaper. Who would have access to a newspaper from the future, you might ask? The paperboy.
HANK: That's today's paper, Dale.
DALE: The date on my watch has been set incorrectly. When did the paperboy have access to my watch?

BILL: The joke's always been on me. All my life, people were always playing jokes on me. And no wonder! It's fun! (laughs) This isn't some elaborate joke on me, is it?

DALE: I'd like to live in your fairy-tale world, Hank, but the Fair Play For Cuba Committee is retro-fitting my mower to power Fidel's one-man escape sub.

NANCY: I don't know why you'd want to fool Dale like that. I mean, it's not hard, if you're someone he trusts. But hey, whatever turns you on, is what I always say.

GUN CLUB MEMBER # 1: The police aren't trained for this. Let's go, gun club.
GUN CLUB MEMBER # 2: But Dale's our president.
GUN CLUB MEMBER # 1: I didn't vote for him.

BOOMHAUER: Hey, yo, Dale, what you doin' up there, man... talkin' 'bout goin' crazy, man... come on down, man...
DALE: Boomhauer, if I ever heard anyone reading a script, that was it.

DALE: One shot on the way down eliminates the Gribble problem. Then the Cuban robot soldiers have only Steve Wynn standing between them and Wichita.
HANK: Dale, there are no robots and there are no Cubans.
DALE: If there are no Cubans, how do you account for Desi Arnaz?

DALE: You know, you used to be on my list of trustables, and it was a very short list. I wasn't even on it. But now, I just don't know. I guess you're not my friend.
HANK: Dale, if I could do it again, I'd... hey, what the heck is that? I am too your friend. I'm as good a friend as a weirdo like you is ever going to have.

DALE: If you're going to shoot me, I want Bobby Hill to take the shot, because he'll put me down clean.
BOBBY: Okay.

DALE: I'll never forget you, Hank. I will bury you in my backyard. I'll dedicate my life to propane. And don't you worry about Peggy -- I'll keep Bill away from her.
HANK: I'm fine, Dale, but if you're serious about the propane, I've got some pamphlets --
DALE: You're fine! You were wearing a bulletproof vest. You thought I was gonna shoot you.
HANK: Well, that or spray me with poisonous chemicals. I thought you'd kill yourself right after.
DALE: I would have, too.

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