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Quotes from "Enrique-cilable Differences"
Written by Greg Cohen
Directed by Dominic Polcino

JOSEPH: It's on Fox. They have this one show where they give a girl a bigger boobie, then make her do something gross for the second bigger boobie.
BOBBY: Man, that sounds great, but my dad has a channel block on Fox. We'll have to watch it at your place.
JOSEPH: No, my dad steals cable from your dad, so we don't get it either.

BOBBY: You know what would be a good way to teach me responsibility? You unblock the Fox network and I promise not to watch it.
HANK: Is it football season?
BOBBY: No.
HANK: Then it's blocked.

HANK: Every time I turn around, he's there, hanging around, talking about things. It's like all of a sudden he wants to be my best friend.
PEGGY: Ah. There is a word in Enrique's culture that describes this exact type of behavior: amigos.

DALE: Is this some kind of "bring a coworker to home" day?

HANK: The problem here is with your wife. You should probably be talking to her. Yep, I guess that's the plan. Go talk to your wife.
ENRIQUE: No. I can't talk to her -- I am a man. Besides, my wife is not as easy to talk to as you are, Hank.
HANK: What about someone else? Someone who knows you personally, like a priest or a soccer coach?
ENRIQUE: Impossible! I am a Mexican-American, and in my community it would be a disgrace to speak of my marriage problems.
HANK: Mexicans don't talk about their feelings? That's great! So why'd you give that up?

PEGGY: Enrique is asking about you. Now you need to ask about him. Find out what the trouble is in his marriage. Is he there for her emotionally?
HANK: Look, all I know about him is that he likes blue pens and staples horizontally. And that's all I should know.
PEGGY: Maybe he's selfish in bed.
HANK: Aaaah!

HOST: America has made the choice and now you get to see the results! What do you think of your new face?
WOMAN: I love it!
HOST: Now, if you want to keep it, you have to eat your old nose and lips!

ENRIQUE: Now it's time for presents. For adorable Luanne, an adorable stuffed animal.
LUANNE: How did you know?
ENRIQUE: For Bobby, who's grown into a man, beef jerky.
BOBBY: Wow.
ENRIQUE: For Peggy, who stands up for what she believes in, the Rocky boxed set. And for my friend, a can of driveway sealant.

ENRIQUE: Okay, here's the deal with Yolanda and me. I tell her she's pretty all the time, but she never tells me I'm handsome. Do you think I'm handsome, Hank?

DALE: Hank, I spit in the concrete, so when I mysteriously "disappear," you'll be able to create the perfect neighbor: half-man, half-driveway.

(Bobby and Joseph watch the Daytona 500, thinking it's a reality show.)
BOBBY: This is it? It's just a bunch of cars driving in circles.
JOSEPH: It'll get better. Like maybe the Hilton twins will have to run out onto the track.

HANK: I just want you to know that whatever you decide, it's none of my business.

ENRIQUE: Let me in! I'm so lonely! Peggy, you haven't told me how you'd make Rocky III better!

PEGGY: So how'd it go with Enrique and Yolanda? Are they going to therapy? Do you think they're really reconciled, or do you think she'll kick him out again?
HANK (happily): Peggy, I have no idea.

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