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Quotes from "Dang Ol' Love"
Written by Dean Young
Directed by Gary McCarver

PEGGY: Why can't Boomhauer date someone smart for once? Like a Congresswoman, so I could get my law passed.

HANK: Let's face it, we've been down the imaginary-friend road before. There were those guys you claimed you played soccer with, Larry and Wayne.
BILL: You know, Larry and Wayne may have been imaginary, but they were a lot more supportive than you.
DALE: You didn't hear what they were saying behind your back.

HANK: Remember when you fell in love with that speed-skater on the Wheaties box? Turns out she was real too, but that doesn't make her your girlfriend.

DALE: Here's a sure-fire way to sweep her off her feet: You will tend to her wounds.
BILL: What wounds?
DALE: The ones she got from falling in the hole.
BILL: What hole?
DALE: The hole you dug in the alley.
BILL: But I didn't dig a hole in the alley.
DALE: Not yet.
BILL: Oh!...Huh?

ICE CREAM LADY: Hey, do you know if Boomhauer's back from his safari yet?

LUANNE: She's not coming back, honey.
BOBBY: 'Course she is. She's Mr. Boomhauer's girlfriend.
LUANNE: Let's see, how can I explain this...? You know how you can be happy eating vanilla ice cream day after day after day? Well, Mr. Boomhauer isn't just like that. See, he likes to try different flavors.
BOBBY: But he can have a new flavor every day! He's dating the ice cream lady!
LUANNE: Mr. Boomhauer had grown-up sex with the ice cream lady, and now he's dumped her. You're never gonna have ice cream again, Bobby.

DALE: Nancy and I have been dying for another couple to hang out with.
BILL: What about Hank and Peggy?
DALE: Between you and me, I've run out of things to say to that woman.

BILL: All he's going to do is give her one marathon night of love-making. I would have given her the same amount of love, but stretched out over a lifetime!

BILL: My name is Bill Dauterive. I would be honored if I could have some of your hair for my collection.
HANK: What are you doing?
BILL: I am flirting.

BILL: Don't put on Dido! Please don't put on Dido! (music starts in Boomhauer's house: "Thank You" by Dido) Aaugh! Dido!

PEGGY: And then I said "I know you, you're the weatherman from channel 7, right?" And he says "No, I'm not," and then I said "What are you talking about? Of course you are! You are that guy!" And he said "No, I am not," and you know what? It wasn't!

HANK: I guess Bobby wishes Boomhauer dumped the asparagus lady. Heh-heh-heh. You see, there's not actually an asparagus lady, Peggy. It's funny.
PEGGY: Oh! Okay, so you think Boomhauer's promiscuity is amusing.
HANK: Well, not really.
PEGGY: Not really? So what, then? Do his stories entertain you? Does hearing about his bedroom antics excite you? Is that how you get your freak on?
HANK: My what? No! No! I -- I -- I love you.
PEGGY: I'll leave you alone with your dirty thoughts.

BOOMHAUER (into the phone): Yo, Hank? Hank? Hank, man, talkin' 'bout it's me, man. (beat) Dang ol' Boomhauer, man!

HANK: I just turned on the backyard grill from the swimming pool. And Peggy said man would never be able to do that!

BILL: For a rich woman she buys pretty flimsy underwear. Where's her ass supposed to go?

HANK: I saw this news promo last night that said something's going on in restaurant kitchens that might really surprise us. But then I fell asleep. Boomhauer, you stay up late -- are rude customers really getting more than they bargained for?

MARLENE: I'm going to be honest with you: I only understand about half of what you say. The other times I just nod and smile and wait for your pants to come off.

BILL: Aw, Boo-hoo-hoo-hauer. I bet now you wish you'd only slept with 100 ladies instead of 101. Now you know how they all felt -- except that one that did it to you!

DALE: We gotta do something. The alley was balanced before. A cool single guy, and a cool married guy. A loser single guy, and a loser married guy. Now it's me and three losers!

DALE: Do that thing where you compliment 'em and they come home with you.
HANK: Yeah. You know, I once told Peggy her hair looked nice -- she still mentions it.

BILL: I know how tough it is for you right now, curled up lying in your own emotional vomit. You're in hell now, Boomhauer, and the only way out is through a long dark tunnel. And you're afraid to go in because there's a train coming at you, carrying a boxcar full of heartbreak. Well, let me tell you something: All you can do is let it hit you, and then try to find your legs. I know. I've taken that hit more times than I can remember. Look at me, Boomhauer. I'm fat, and I'm old, and every day I'm just going to wake up fatter and older. Yet somehow I manage to drag this fat old bald bastard out into the alley every day. I'm out there, digging holes, falling into them, climbing out, trying again. And tomorrow I'm going to hang outside at a ladies' prison, and the first thing those lady cons are going to see after twenty years is me. Will I get one? Experience says no. Will I be out there next month? If I'm alive, you'd better believe it. You've got to get up off that cannon bed, slip into a tight T-shirt, wash off some of that cologne, and get yourself out of that tunnel and into some strange woman's bed!

ICE CREAM LADY: Boomhauer. I thought I'd never see you again.
BOOMHAUER: Yeah...hey, listen, man, I'm talkin' about, I done went off and walked a mile in your shoes, man, I felt that big ol' hurt, and I just wanna tell you, man, I'm...I'm sorry. How 'bout we just be, you know, dang ol' friends, man?

BILL: So, what were you in for?
ALICIA: Killed my boyfriend.
BILL: Does that mean you're single?

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