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Quotes from "Jumpin' Crack Bass (It's a Gas, Gas, Gas)"
Written by Alan Cohen & Alan Freedland
Directed by Gary McCarver

HANK: We don't fish for the fish. Ninety percent of what I like about this sport -- and it is a sport -- is sitting in the boat doing nothing. And the icing on the cake is when God smiles on you and you hook one. And then when you're reeling it in, everything else falls away. You don't think about taxes or traffic or that pushy gal that's trying to get into the Citadel or who's going to take care of you when your mother and I are old and incapacitated. All there is is a man, a rod, a lake and a fish. And it all starts with a hand-dug American worm.
BOBBY: Uh, Dad...? Who is going to take care of me?

JUDGE: Billy Ray Walters, you've entered a plea of guilty. Have your rights been explained to you?
HANK (to Peggy): "Rights?" This better not be one of them Carter appointee judges.

PEGGY: Honey, calm down. If you have a stroke, who will help me take care of Bobby?

LUANNE: Sometimes I get stressed out in the beauty school -- you know, with all the combing and politics. And I just do yoga. I can put my feet up behind my head. Want me to show you?
HANK: Aaaah! No! Keep your legs below your waist, for God's sakes!

DALE: You and your worms are fishing in the past, Hank, in the days of black-and-white television and a democratically elected Congress.

RAY: You ever hear of a guy named Jack?
HANK: Well, I went to high school with a guy named --
RAY: No, no, this guy never went to school, he grew up in the hills. But he wrote the book on homemade bait. 'Course it's just a bunch of scribbles 'cause he never went to school.

HANK: Are you Jack?
PUSHER: I got your Jack right here, Jack.

BILL: I like beer, Hank. Don't you like beer? I mean, I love beer.

BOOMHAUER: Man, that's quick, man, talkin' 'bout Hank's the man, man, dang ol' fishin' magician, man.

HANK: Well, now, this is the dangdest thing. This is the same fish I just threw back.

DALE: Don't lie to us, friend, 'cause when you lie, you make an ass out of you and me.
BOOMHAUER: Yeah, Hank, don't be bogartin' that dang ol' bait, man.

BOBBY: Can I have some more butter for my pancakes?
HANK: That's it! I'm going fishing!

HANK: Come on, take the bait, you know you want it.

HANK: Dale, what are you doing here?
DALE: I followed you. Every twist and every turn. By the way, I'm going to need to follow you home.

LAWYER: Mr. Hill, this bass-fishing defence isn't going to cut it. Hmm. Were you abused as a child?
HANK: What? No!
LAWYER: Are you sure? Juries eat that up.
HANK: Maybe I ought to tie that long hair on your head to the short hair on your ass and kick you down the street! I told you, I am not a doper!
LAWYER: Come on, Mr. Hill, we've all used drugs, even the president.
HANK: Not my president -- I voted for Dole. Only thing he's on is painkillers, and he earned it.

DALE: I do not recognize the authority of a court that hangs the gold-fringed flag. A flag with gilded edges is the flag of an admirality court. An admirality court signifies a naval court-martial. I cannot be court-martialled twice. That is all.

BOBBY: Objection, your honor! My dad doesn't use drugs. The only thing he needs to be happy is fishing. Sustained.

JUDGE: Gribble, this fish is frozen.
DALE: I caught it. That's my position.
JUDGE: You try something like that again and I'll double your sentence.
HANK: Dale, you giblet-head, if you were going to cheat, why did you buy a frozen bass?
DALE: I had a coupon.

DALE: Don't do it, Hank. He's already caught us cheating once. He'll double our sentence.
HANK: I'm not cheating, Dale. Using cheater bait was cheating.

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