The King of the Hill Quotes Page: "'Twas the Nut Before Christmas"
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Quotes from "'Twas the Nut Before Christmas"
Written by John Altschuler & Dave Krinsky
Directed by Jeff Myers
DALE: Last Christmas I hid Joseph's gift so well, I still haven't found it. Cutest little puppy. Or should I say dog?
HANK: Bill's great with kids. It's adults and holidays he seems to have a problem with.
PEGGY: Rented snow machines, all these lights... it looks like a carnival. I wonder how Jesus feels about this?
HANK: It's Christmas and Bill's happy? I'll tell you how Jesus feels -- great.
BOBBY: Better honk, Dad. It won't feel like Christmas Day if we miss the Little Drummer Boy.
HANK: I'm doing the best I can, and -- wait a minute, you're being sarcastic. You have no interest at all in seeing that little boy play his heart out, do you?
BOBBY: Nope.
DALE: Valet parking is five dollars. Valet of the Dales is not responsible for lost or stolen articles.
HANK: Dale, I'm just going to park in my driveway.
DALE: That lot's full, but Bill says I can put overflow parking poolside at Luanne's house. Octavio! La bamba le automobilo! No scratcho, comprende?
BILL: Hank, there'll be plenty of time for these kids to be beaten down by life. If I can bring a little extra joy and love into their lives now, shouldn't I?
DALE: Why do you hate love, Hank?
HANK: Why don't you take Marilyn out someplace nice for Valentine's Day? Women like Valentine's Day. They find it romantic.
WALLY: Nice pool. What say we jump in and see what floats?
LUANNE: Just keep your beer cans off of my lawn. And quit trying to read my T-shirt!
BOBBY: Hey, Dad! I like beer!
HANK: That's it! I've had enough of this Christmas crap!
HANK: Dammit, Bill, some of us are trying to raise kids. Good kids. The kind who don't try to kill their parents in their sleep. Kids like Bobby.
BILL: Wally would never try to kill me in my sleep. He told me so. That kind of communication is very important in a father-son relationship.
WALLY: You really are like my dad.
BILL: Really?
WALLY: Yeah. He never had faith in me either. But at least he had a motorcycle.
PEGGY: Poor Bill. He probably shouldn't be alone. But he will be.
DALE: I've got it! Bill wants to have a child. Hank's urethra is too narrow to have another child. Ergo, Bill should inseminate Peggy. Everybody's happy. (Hank punches Dale in the arm) Ow!... Didn't hurt. (Dale walks out of the shot, rubbing his arm) Nancy!!
BILL: You were right, I don't know how to be a father. All the books about it are written by comedians, and I never know when they're kidding and when they're serious.
BILL: You do everything right, but if you didn't, I'd be there for you.
COP: Parenting's tough. Try having my job with a kid in jail. That gets weird.
BILL: You may not be happy with me now, Soldier, but you'll thank me someday.
WALLY: For what? For making me a jarhead?
BILL: No, for convincing the judge that the army is a better place for you than prison. Oh and you're not a jarhead. That's the marine corps. You're a grunt!