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Quotes from "The Man Who Shot Cane Skretteburg"
Written by Johnny Hardwick
Directed by Monte Young

BOOMHAUER: Yeah, man, I tell you what, man, I seen a rake...in the Smithsonian, man, next to Lincoln's hat and Archie's chair, man...in the dang ol' Caveman section.
POPS: Don't you cuss at me, Jimmy Dean!

DALE: My Joseph better not be sterile -- I need my seed to live on. Certain plans of mine require additional Gribbles.

DALE: That noise has been giving Nancy headaches all week, then yesterday her back broke out in scratch marks.

HANK: Okay, you're joking. Well, I've got a sense of humor. I laugh at Tony Danza.

BOBBY: Please, Dad, can we please pay paintball?
HANK: Now, hold on a minute -- let's see, they give you kids guns and let you shoot at each other? Yeah, okay.

LUANNE: Wow, this is a really good Xerox of you.

HANK: I am a finely tuned ex-high school athlete. I spent four years holding guys like you upside down over toilets.
CANE: I don't care how many guys you held in the men's room, you still can't beat us.
HANK (to his friends): What do you say, you want to teach some punks a little respect?
BILL: Yeah!
DALE: Very little!

HANK: All right, men, let's paint some ass!

HANK: This is no time to go easy on these punks. That's the mistake their parents made.

BILL: Who wants a cold one? You want a cold one? I've got some cold ones here, they're cold.

BILL: Some friends you are! When my wife left me 'cause I was lazy and dependent, did any of you find me a new one? No!

BOBBY: He's so cool. He told me I could be the Stubborn Stains's groupie.
HANK: The word is "roadie," Bobby, he meant "roadie." At least I hope to God.

PEGGY: Have you forgotten who you are? You are Hank freakin' Hill! The man who won the Texas Propane Association's Blue Flame of Valor award! The man who drove raccoon after raccoon out of our attic, armed only with a broom-handle and a pillowcase! And the man whose sperm struggled through that tiny urethra God cursed you with to create our wonderful son!

BOBBY: Dad! The raccoons are back!

DALE: Rematch? I thought we agreed never to discuss the horrors we saw on the killing fields of the fun center.

POPS: Don't try to figure 'em out. They can't be figured. Just shake your fist at 'em like this!

(The defining characteristics of teenagers, as observed by Hank and his friends):
- Teenagers can be so cruel.
- Teenagers are clumsy around girls.
- Teenagers show no respect for a man in uniform.

LUANNE: Buckley, I'm going to Cane's concert as his special guest, not his girlfriend.
BUCKLEY: I don't know. I don't trust this guy.
LUANNE: Well, if you're so worried, come with me. Cane told me to bring a friend for the drummer.

HANK: You were right, Bill, teenagers are cruel. They'll pick on the slowest, heaviest -- well, the important thing is you were right, Bill.

CANE: Three down, and -- (long pause) -- one to go.

HANK: I think you're gonna enjoy the world of acoustics.

CANE (seeing a burning paper bag): Good Lord! That could start a fire!

POPS: What's he doing now?
HANK: He's stompin' it good.
POPS: And there's doodies in there, right?
HANK: There sure is, Pops, there sure is.

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