The King of the Hill Quotes Page: "The Bluegrass is Always Greener"
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Quotes from "The Bluegrass is Always Greener"
Written by Norm Hiscock
Directed by Tricia Garcia
HANK: Please, Lord, give her a cramp. If it's thy will.
BILL: I want to hear "Puff the Magic Dragon." Play that song, I like it, play it. "Puff the magic dragon..."
HANK: Bill, do you have any idea what that song is about? It's about a dragon!
CONNIE: My dad has a joke: "How do you get into the Van Cliburn Summer Orchestra? Practice!" Well, it used to be a joke. Now he just screams it.
BILL: Who's Van Cliburn?
DALE: Texas's own Van Cliburn is a classical pianist with a bustling summer academy in Fort Worth. We share a birthday.
PEGGY: The strange thing is, people with that much talent rarely amount to anything.
BOOMHAUER: Hey, man, I'll go get my dang ol' banjo, man... maybe get an accordion, man, what do you think?... No, better stick with the banjo, man.
EARL: You ever think about taking her to Branson?
HANK: You think she's Branson good?
DALE: We could be your backup band. "The Dale Gribble Bluegrass Experience."
HANK: Hm. I like it.
KAHN: That inbred music is designed so only people with six fingers can play it! Your path is Van Cliburn to Carnegie Hall to New York Philharmonic, not hay wagon to Hee Haw!
BOBBY: The key to writing a good Yakov Smirnoff joke is to picture yourself arriving in America and noticing that it is different from Russia.
BILL: And when he says "reckon" and "y'all" in that accent of his, I just lose it. It's brilliant, really.
DALE: The only thing "brilliant, really" about Yakov Smirnoff is that he's a KGB spy. He's been sending U.S. secrets back to Mother Russia while tourists are seduced by his fake comedy act. Although his beard is real.
BOBBY: In America, you put "In God We Trust" on your money. In Russia, we have no money!
HANK: Yes, we're here to have fun, but you know what's not fun? Being ill-prepared.
YAKOV SMIRNOFF: Hey, kid, I don't do Russian jokes for last ten years. Now I do jokes about relationships and things I observe.
HANK: Where have you been? I've had to deal with the Bluegrass Brothers all by myself. They've been staring at me, twiddling their beards, trying to psych me out.
CONNIE: No! No more rosin, no more of your "see the fiddle, be the fiddle" rhetoric. I don't want to be a professional bluegrass musician. I quit.
BOBBY: And I quit too, even though I'm not in the band.
DALE: Well, I saw that coming. And yet I did nothing to stop it. Why do I fear success?
HANK: Boomhauer, you're good at stage patter.
BOOMHAUER: Yeah, man, maybe I'll give 'em a bit of that little old "How you doin' in Branson, man... lemme hear you say 'yeah.'"
KAHN: You kidnap my daughter and took her across state lines to play hillbilly music against her will! I've been looking for a reason to put you in jail, and now I have it!
HANK: What are you talking about? You gave her permission to come with us.
KAHN: Never! I make sure she practice Mozart, get into Van Cliburn, then Ivy League orchestra. From there she play Paris, Rome, then I take her back to my home town of Luang Phrabang and stick it up their nose!
HANK: That's why she ran away. She'd rather play bluegrass, and win this contest, then get a record deal, and open up the Connie Souphanousinphone Theater, and... oh, I'm a jackass.
KAHN: Stop stating the obvious!
CHARLIE DANIELS: So where's this dying fiddle player whose final wish was to meet me?
DALE: Actually, you're too late. But her other final wish was that you would play, with us, her favorite song, on stage, now. So, what do I tell her parents?
CHARLIE DANIELS (tearfully): Tell 'em I'll play till my fiddle catches fire.
CONNIE: We only have enough money for a t-shirt or a row of tickets at the Andy Williams show.
KAHN: She's playing in street for lousy tourists! She should be playing in Royal Albert Hall for Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles!
HANK: Aw, come on, Kahn. I bet you never knew she could smile and play at the same time.