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Quotes from "Take Me Out of the Ball Game"
Written by Alan R. Cohen & Alan Freedland
Directed by Chris Moeller

THATHERTON: Allow me to introduce the newest dispatcher at Thatherton Fuels, Mrs. Rita Bevaqua.
HANK: Bevaqua? Any relation to former Texas Rangers third baseman Kurt Bevaqua?
RITA: Kurt's my husband by marriage.
THATHERTON: The Chamber of Commerce rule book says immediate family members are eligible to play. Husband falls under the category of immediate family, don't it, boys? (he leaves)
HANK: Thatherton!

DOOLEY: You guys are a couple.

BILL: I wish you could coach my army softball team. We don't have any good leaders. That's classified.

COACH: Like I tell my gym class, girls can't play sports.
THATHERTON: At least I've found one who can get it over the plate, if you know what I mean. (blank stare from the Coach) I'm having sex with her.
(They both laugh, then:)
COACH: But she's no good at sports, right?
PEGGY (overhearing): Oh! Thatherton!

LUANNE: And not one of my beauty school credits has transferred to junior college. It turns out you have to get at least a C.

BOBBY: Don't buy inferior Arrow Girl cookies! What are they offering? Oatmeal? That's for breakfast. Mint? What are you, sixty? Dog poop? What kind of flavor is that for a cookie? Oh, my mistake, that's their peanut butter.

MR. STRICKLAND: Did I hear you right? Did you say you want to replace our catcher Enrique with this little filly?
PEGGY: Luanne has a lot of experience catching me.
HANK: But I told them that we don't have any room.
MR. STRICKLAND: Enrique, you're fired!

HANK: Let's walk this next batter, set up the double play.
PEGGY: Oh, Hank, I can strike out this lap-dancer in my sleep.
HANK: No, it's not good strategy. Walk this gal and pitch to the one with the ridiculous implants.

HANK: Everybody wants to be a superstar now. Nobody wants to be a team player. You know, when the Coach wanted Mickey Mantle to take the pitch, and he wasn't too hung over to see the sign, he took the pitch, I tell you what.

PEGGY: I can't find the plate any more. Without my pitching, what am I? Just another four-eyed Boggle champion.
HANK: Okay, here's your problem, you need to tuck your elbow in more and release earlier in your windmill.
PEGGY: Really? Are you sure? I think --
HANK: Don't think. Thinking leads to over-thinking.

KAHN: Oh my God, you killed my Minh! Ha, not really. But you really do suck, Peggy Hill.

HANK: We're playing Thatherton's team today, Luanne. Be careful, he'll use every trick in the book to mess with the catcher, including the use of off-color language.
BOBBY: Thatherton!

PEGGY: I think I can safely say, "the pitch is back!" (laughs) Oh, Peggy!

BOBBY: Who's ready to take the cookie challenge? On the left, Bobby's cookies, fresh and buttery. And on the right, Arrow Girl cookies, foul and musty.
ARROW GIRL: Bobby Hill, you have mocked your last Arrow Girl cookie!

CONNIE: My boyfriend is a cookie genius!
BOBBY: Yeah, I am a cookie -- boyfriend?

BOOMHAUER: Hey man, you don't think you could help me get some of them Ranger tickets, man? Nope? Strike one!

PEGGY: We both know Kurt Bevaqua corks his bat. He always has and he always will.
HANK: Peggy, he was using an aluminum bat.
PEGGY: I didn't say he was smart, Hank, I said he was cheating.

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